Graham Mack

Mack's Craic

2012-02-12T10:26:00.002Z

I don’t really understand the Republican Presidential Candidate race in the United States. All I know is it looks like the winner will be either Newt or Mitt. What kind of names are they? They sound like cartoon characters! In case you can’t tell them apart, Mitt is the one that looks like the bloke on the “Just for Men” box and Newt is the one that looks like he should use “Just for Men”.

It’s been really cold lately, so cold that my parents have even considered turning down their heating from inferno to furnace. While I’m on about the weather, how come all of the weather presenters on TV are women? Women hate being wrong! Whatever happened to the men that used to present the weather? If it’s going to be really cold and miserable, I’d prefer to hear that from a bloke but they’ve all gone. It’s a case of no more mist and ice guy!

Valentines Day this week. I always feel sorry for people who have to go to a funeral on Valentines Day. Imagine how much they have to pay for flowers! There are some bargains about though. Asda didn’t miss a trick, selling Valentines cards for 8p. Now I’m no relationship expert but I know that only spending 8p on the card guarantees a lonely Valentines Day. It’s the same thing if all you get is a text. They’re always abbreviated too; the romance disappears pretty quickly when you get something that says “Happy V.D.”

Have you seen this show "The Biggest Loser"? Could they have come up with a more insulting title? If you haven’t seen it, it’s a show where they try to get fat people to become healthy. If they really want to insult them, why don’t they just call the show, "Save the Whales"?

Tensions are rising in the Falkland Islands between Britain and Argentina. They reckon it’s because 60 billion barrels of oil has been discovered nearby. What a find! And so handy that i's already in barrels!

A new study shows that Britons are more dishonest than they were ten years ago. I’m not sure that’s true, maybe when we’re surveyed we're just being more honest about our dishonesty.

They thought Mitt Romney was the Iowa caucus winner. Turns out after a recount, Rick Santorum won. - You know what this means? Neither do I.

Craic to front!

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Mack's Craic

2012-02-05T12:08:00.002Z

Figures of authority don’t tend to believe me when I’m telling the truth. This week’s cold weather has reminded me of the first time that happened. More on that later in the Craic.

There’s snow and ice everywhere as I type. Even though this happens every year in Britain, we still can’t cope with it. We got less that six inches of snow but tube trains broke down, motorways ground to a halt and Heathrow cancelled hundreds of flights. It looks like Britain is only just coping on a good day, when it turns a bit icy we’ve had it.

I know that schools will be closed but I’m not sure why. Is it the heating again? I don’t know of anywhere else where the heating packs up as much as in schools. What kind of dodgy heating system is it that stops working every time there’s a cold snap? And is that any reason to send the kids home? I know I’m going to sound like an old git now but I remember when the heating packed up at our school, they didn’t send us home; they just made us wear our coats indoors. And I’m not talking about high school here. The first time it snowed and I had to go to school, I was five. I can still remember seeing the footprints in the snow that lead across the playground from the school building to the OUTSIDE toilet block. Actually high school was worse. At the age of eleven, first thing on a Friday morning was “Games”. I don’t know why it was called “Games”; we only ever played one game, football. It didn’t matter what the weather was doing, we were lead out onto a frozen pitch wearing only a football shirt and 1970s short shorts. “Run around if you want to get warm” was what the sadistic games teacher would shout. I can remember being so cold for the rest of the day that I could hardly hold a pen to write with.

OK, I am starting to sound like an old git. My Dad is an old git and he’s very good at it because he’s had lots of practice. He didn’t like the cold weather. One of his favorite expression is “Best place for snow is on Christmas cards!”

The icy weather took revenge on him one year. He was walking home from the pub, slipped on the ice and broke his right arm. He had to have time off work but the timing was pretty good. I was about ten years old, mum was working, it was school holidays and my six year old sister had measles. He stayed at home with us.

That combination of random events led to the first time in my life that I remember a figure of authority not believing me. My Dad used to send me up to the local newsagents to buy his cigarettes. At first it wasn’t a problem, I’d ask for “twenty Senior Service”, give the money to the grumpy lady at Thornleighs newsagents and she’d give me the cigarettes. As I got older though, it had become more difficult. It was probably because I was approaching the age when kids around our way started to smoke. Instead of just giving me the cigarettes after I’d asked for them, there was now a pause and a sideways look from her, then I’d say, “They’re for me dad!”, then she’d wrap the cigarettes in white tissue paper before giving them to me. Then one day she said, “Next time you’ll have to bring a note from your dad”. From then on I had to hand her a note that my dad had written before she gave me the tissue paper wrapped Senior Service. Writing the note had become more trouble than it was worth and my dad often just walked up to Thornleighs and got them himself.

So it’s a school holiday, my sister’s sick, dad is off work and he runs out of cigarettes. He sends me to the shop and there’s grumpy Mrs Thornleigh. “Twenty Senior Service please”, I said handing her the money. She gave me the sideways look; I said “They’re for me dad”. She looked me in the eye and said, “Why can’t he come and get them himself?” I said, “Because he’s at home looking after my sister, she’s got measles.” “Why hasn’t he written you a note?”, “Because he’s broken his arm”. She handed back the money and said “Get out!”

Another Craic in the ice soon.

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Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2012-01-22T13:58:00.002Z

The majority is never right

Every day I get to hear about another petition and I’m told about how many people have signed it in favour or against whatever it is that they’re not happy about. Now e-petitions can actually influence government policy in the UK. You can create an e-petition about anything that the government is responsible for and if it gets at least 100,000 signatures, it will be eligible for debate in the House of Commons.

The belief seems to be that if you get enough people on your side, then you must be right. That’s a very dangerous thing to believe.

In 1882, the Norwegian Henrik Ibsen wrote a play called An Enemy of the People. It was adapted in the 1950s by Arthur Miller. There have been lots of other adaptations since then. In the play, the main character, Dr. Stockmann, proclaims that in matters of right and wrong, the individual is superior to the multitude, which is easily led by self-advancing demagogues. Dr. Stockmann sums it up with the memorable quote "...the strongest man in the world is the man who stands most alone." He also says: "A minority may be right; a majority is ALWAYS wrong." He asks the question “Was the majority right when they believed the sun revolved around the earth and let Galileo be driven to his knees like a dog?”

If the play was updated for today you could add lines like “Was the majority right when they said a man would never run a mile in under four minutes?”, “Was the majority right in the United States when they believed that slavery was good (even in the Northern states)?”, “Was the majority right when they elected Hitler?”

Democracy is always held up as the be all and end all. Doesn’t it all depend on who gets to vote? Would it be fair if four wolves and one sheep got to vote on what they should have for supper?

I tend to agree with Henrik Ibsen when he said, “It takes fifty years for the majority to be right. The majority is never right until it does right.”

Craic to the Future.

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Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

2012-01-15T11:02:00.001Z

Let me get serious; “Everyone that comes from Liverpool is a racist and a thief”. That was the clear message I got from the Manchester United supporters I had the misfortune to come into contact with at Frankley Services on the M5 the other day. I went in to pay for my petrol while my wife Julie waited in the car. Their chants included “You’re just a town of racists” and “Who can rob your houses? A scouser can”. It soon became apparent that their chants were directed at a young lad at the counter who was wearing a Liverpool shirt. “Hey look, a scouser is paying for something!” one of them shouted. No one in the service station seemed that bothered and treated it all as good natured rivalry. I’d like to think that if the abusive chants were directed at a black person, the police would have been called. Racism is a prejudice against an ethnic group based purely on them belonging to that group, there is no difference here so why is it tolerated? Do a quick search of anti-scouse jokes on Google and you’ll find a lot of old racist jokes were the word “black” (or other offensive words for a black person) has been replaced with the word “scouser”. Does anyone really believe that now these jokes aren’t racist?

The truth is those Manchester United fans chanting about racism and thieving were being racist. And as for thieving; when I got back to the car, Julie said she watched through the window and saw three of these blokes fill their pockets with the contents of one of the shelves, then walk out without paying. Are all Manchester United fans racists and thieves? Of course not, that would be racist.

In hindsight, I now know I should have reported the shoplifting. Now they’ll just blame the scouser.

Craic again soon.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2012-01-08T14:57:00.001Z

Happy New Year! Is it two thousand and twelve or twenty-twelve?

Julie’s New Years’s resolution is to get fit. I bought her a Wii Fit for Christmas. She made me get on it and the first thing it did was check my balance. No need to do that, I know I’m £150 lighter since I bought her the Wii Fit.

The economy is still in trouble. This week, the bottom fell out of the Christmas decoration market. Some baubles are selling for less than half of what they were going for this time last month. Experts don’t expect the market to recover until the end of the year.

Mattel are hoping to increase sales by bringing out a ‘Kardashian’ Barbie doll. A lot of parents aren’t happy about that. They’re worried it’ll send the wrong message to little girls. - What, as opposed to the message the current Barbie sends which is you should aspire to be an anorexic gold-digger with plastic boobs?

I wish people would stop saying “ATM machine”. The ‘M’ in ATM stands for “machine”, you’re saying machine twice!

Research from the Prince’s Trust shows that kids without set mealtimes and bedtimes do worse at school. I spoke to some ‘do-gooders’ on the radio about this. They said it’s not the parents fault. I’m sorry but if you’re a parent that doesn’t realize it’s YOUR job to set bedimes and mealtimes, you don't know how to be a parent.

I was involved in a bizarre discussion with a policeman outside Liverpool Football Club just before the match the other night. We drove up in Julie’s new car, which doesn’t have an actual key. It has a fob thing that you don’t stick in the dash, you just have to have it in the car with you. I only drive Julie’s car when she’s with me. She’s got the fob on her key ring so I don’t bother carrying mine. We got there about half an hour before kick-off so I dropped her off to go and pick up our tickets while I parked the car. As soon as she got out of sight, the car started beeping and “No key detected” started flashing at me. Yes, she had the key so I wasn’t going anywhere. With forty thousand people trying to make their way into the ground, the police don’t like it when you stop in the middle of Walton Breck Road behind the Kop. It took me a long time to convince the policeman that although I was the driver and had driven from Swindon to that spot in Liverpool, I couldn’t go any further because I didn’t have the keys.

I wonder if “Kardashian Barbie” comes with accessories including a video camera, a publicist and a husband that disappears after seventy-two days?

Craicy New Year!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-12-27T12:08:00.004Z

I hope you had a great Christmas. As usual, Julie and I had Christmas dinner together, just the two of us which is exactly how we like it. It’s so much cheaper too. We only have to buy a box of twelve Christmas crackers every six years.

It’s panto season, so we went to see Cinderella. We got there early, took our seats, then a lady sat next to me and said. “I have to sit here to prove to my kids that you don’t bite.” I said, “Oh I haven’t bitten a child for days!”. She looked at me sideways and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. Neither did Julie.

Our cats Memphis and Toffee Pop really enjoyed Christmas. What’s not to like about empty boxes, wrapping paper and decorations you can wreck? Cats are strange, they’ve got so many super-senses; smell, hearing, eyesight, but no sense of humor, everything is so serious. They’re bad mannered too, they can’t chew their food with their mouths closed.

If you got anything battery powered for Christmas, it probably came with Panasonic batteries. How come they’re always Panasonic? You never see them for sale. I’m not even sure you can buy them but when batteries are included they’re always Panasonic.

On Boxing Day we went to Anfield to watch Liverpool v Blackburn. Considering Blackburn is only about forty miles from Liverpool, they didn’t bring many fans. I think they may have all traveled to the game in the same car. Julie is from New Zealand, they all have the same accent there so she finds it difficult to tune in to the regional accents we have in Britain. At the match she said to me, “Wow when Liverpudlians talk really fast to each other, I can’t understand a word”. I didn’t tell her that the people in front of us that she was talking about were Norwegian. Later when it was becoming obvious that Liverpool were only going to draw at home to bottom of the table Blackburn, it became easier to understand the actual Liverpublians around us as they’d developed an aggressive form of Tourette's syndrome.

Did you see Piers Morgan give evidence at the Leveson Inquiry? It turns out, he’s a lousy chat show guest. They had to keep quoting from “The Insider”, the book he published based on his personel diaries. No wonder he wrote everything down in a diary, he can’t remember anything! I honestly can’t believe Piers Morgan would hack anyone’s phone. Not without leaving a long boring message about himself. They didn’t frame the shot of him very well. That light right above his head made it look like he’d just come up with a bright idea. The fact that he was only being shown from the waist up was interesting. Was that because his pants were on fire? With him in the USA and the QC in London it was a bit spooky. At one point I thought I saw Piers Morgan’s television career leave his body. When Piers finished giving evidence did I hear the news presenter say “More on Piers Morgan later” or MORON Piers Morgan later? There would have been no point asking Piers Morgan what he has on his hot dog. As he said many times, he’s not prepared to reveal his sauces.

Swindon’s famous railway works hooter returned on Friday. Hear what happened when the button was pushed that sent us back in time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCnW_PsgavA

Hope you have a Craicing New Year!

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Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-12-18T09:40:00.002Z

The sound of Swindon will return on Friday at quarter past eight but I need your help. For over a hundred years, the steam hooter at Swindon’s railway works used to sound to tell everyone when to start and stop work. It could be heard for miles and was known as Swindon’s alarm clock. Its twenty-five years since the works closed and the hooter sounded. Although the twin steam whistles that made the hooter sound are still on top of the old railway works building, it’s impossible to restore the steam boilers and replace all of the pipe work, so I’ve got another solution. I’ve managed to find a 20,000 watt sound system. It uses eighteen giant speakers, some of them the size of Vauxhall Corsas. The sound system will be set up next to where the hooter used to sound and at 8:15 on the morning of Friday 23rd December I will play a recording of the hooter through that sound system. I’m not sure even 20,000 watts will be enough and that’s where you come in. At exactly the same time, I will play the sound of the hooter on Swindon’s BBC Wiltshire. Make sure you have every radio on in the house. Open the doors and window, let that sound out. If you’re in the car, turn it up and roll down the windows. If you’re in charge of a sound system anywhere, connect it to a radio tuned to 103.6 and turn it up. It doesn’t matter if it’s a supermarket or a pub. Make sure you turn it up loud at 8:15 on Friday and we can bring back the sound of Swindon louder and prouder than ever. If you give a hoot about Swindon, give Swindon a hoot!

The fourth Mission Impossible movie is out. Tom Cruise’s impossible mission in this one is to try and explain the plots of the last three Mission Impossible films.

Barbara Walters list of the ten most fascinating people of 2011 is out. Pippa Middleton made the list. How is she fascinating? I’ve never even heard her speak! She’s only famous because her sister married a bloke who’s famous just for being born. Ok, her bottom got a lot of attention at the wedding but I’m sorry, unless you can hold an intelligent conversation with her bum she won’t make my list of most fascinating people of 2011.

Last week the world’s governments reached an agreement on policies to stop global warming. And it’s worked, this week, its freezing!

Merry Craicsmas!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-12-11T13:17:00.002Z

David Hempleman-Adams and his sixteen year old daughter Amelia have made it to the South Pole. David’s very relieved, he was sick of hearing “Dad, are we there yet?”

David Cameron has told the French and the Germans he has no plans to go to a wife swapping party. He’s also walked away from the talks on the future of the Euro. I’m sure he made both decisions based on what happened a year and a half ago when a party persuaded him to get into bed with some Europhiles.

Meanwhile the European crisis continues. The credit rating agency, ‘Standard and Poor’ say they may downgrade Europe’s credit rating. I don’t know about being assessed by someone called “Standard and Poor”. I want to be rated by “Super and Rich”!

No one seems to know what’s going to happen. Economics is like that. In school they change the exam questions every year, except in economics, where they change what the answers should be.

In economics closer to home, we’re all going to have to tighten our belts this Christmas. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I have to agree with the broadcaster Dave Ramsey; he said “You’ve got to act your wage”. He’s right and you should set out your family budget that way. Another genius is John Maxwell, he says, “A budget is a way of telling your money where to go, instead of wondering where it went”.

Some people facing a bleak Christmas are the 220 people who are about to lose their jobs at Biomet in Swindon. The company is moving it’s manufacturing to South Wales. They asked for a grant from the Welsh Assembly. I’m not sure how we know that, maybe it was a leek. The interesting irony here is that the bloke trying to stop them moving is the Conservative MP for South Swindon, Robert Buckland. He’s originally from South Wales. I’m not sure if the Labour candidate for South Swindon, Anne Snelgrove has anything to say about this. She lost her seat to Robert Buckland at the last election. I’m sure she’d have a lot of sympathy for the workers. She already knows how it feels to lose her job to a Welshman.

Winter driving conditions are here. The RAC say they fix a breakdown every twelve seconds. – I had a car like that once.

Amelia Hempleman-Adams is pretty pleased with herself; she’s the youngest person to ever make it to the South Pole. Teenagers today hey, they sit there at the world’s southern polar axis and think the world revolves around them!

That’s the Craic’s Factor!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-12-04T10:17:00.001Z

I appeared on stage at the Wyvern Theater in Swindon on Sunday as part of the Kentwood Choir’s “Christmas Cracker”. I got to sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, backed by the choir and the Albourne Brass Band. The most amazing part was that Dame Cleo Laine was in the audience. I even got to have dinner with her between the two shows. A lot of people think Cleo Laine is a big deal because she sang with Sinatra, recorded with Ray Charles and won a Grammy, but for me, I’m more impressed that she was a guest star on The Muppet Show!

I drove into central London on Monday, so I paid the congestion charge. It’s really quite amazing, minutes after paying it, my cold completely disappeared.

I was in London for a Radio Luxembourg reunion. I must have been the only one there without dyed hair or a wig. I was very surprised to meet Pete Murray at the event, I thought he was dead! They paid tribute to all of the great people that broadcast from the Radio Luxemburg studios, including Willian Joyce, who was better known as Lord Haw-Haw. During the Second World War he broadcast Nazi propaganda in English to Europe. Paul Burnett described him as the world’s first “Shock Jock”. As far as I know he’s the only person to ever be hanged for what he broadcast.

My mate Richie is visiting later today. I still don’t know where we’re going to take him for lunch. He’s so fussy, he looks at anything less bland than cheese on cheese as if he’s doing a Bush Tucker Trial in “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here”!

When Richie gets here, we’ll take him and his other half out in Julie’s new car. That’s as soon as I close the bonnet properly. Julie went to put petrol in it for the first time yesterday, couldn’t find the release button for the cap and opened the bonnet instead.

What would make this Christmas your best ever? Christmas Wish is back on BBC Wiltshire. All you have to do is tell me what your Christmas Wish is. I’ll put it on the radio and if someone listening can help, your wish is granted. So tell me what your Christmas Wish is by sending me an email to Christmaswish@bbc.co.uk .

Hope you have a Christmas Craic-er!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-11-27T09:19:00.002Z

Sometimes I think my parents were ahead of their time. My mother was saying, “Just do it!”, a long time before Nike. The way they passed judgment on each singer as we watched “Top of The Pops” was the proto-type for The X-Factor and now my Dad’s catch phrase of “Turn that light out!” has been adopted by Councilor Peter Greenhalgh from Swindon Council. He’s turned out hundreds of street lights in Swindon and the traffic lights at Mannington roundabout. It’s all been done for the same reason my dad gave, to save money.

Had a road trip to Bristol the other day in one of the BBC cars. My producer Richard Crowley was driving. His phone rang so he handed it to Lee Stone who was in the passenger seat. Richard had a conversation with his wife through Lee. At one point something got lost in the simultaneous translation. Lee said, “You’ve got Jimmy Carr tickets”. Richard said, “Great!”. “No hang on a minute. Your car’s got a ticket”.

The government is talking about underwriting mortgages so more people can buy a house. Is that what we need right now? More people in debt?

What would make this Christmas your best ever? Christmas Wish is back on BBC Wiltshire. All you have to do is tell me what your Christmas Wish is. I’ll put it on the radio and if someone listening can help, your wish is granted. So tell me what your Christmas Wish is by sending me an email to christmaswish@bbc.co.uk .

Talking of the festive season, the Christmas illuminations came on in Swindon last week. They looked great too. Then Councilor Ebenezer Greenhaugh showed up and turned them all off again! My dad would be so proud.

Craic’s Life!

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Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcasts on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-11-20T09:44:00.002Z

There’s a badger at the BBC. I’ve seen him three times in the same week. The first morning I drove in, I cornered him in the car park. That didn’t stop him, he bit a hole in the wooden fence at the back, I heard it splintering, then squeezed out through the hole. Other mornings I’ve watched him squeeze into the car park through that hole and then have a good sniff around. I suppose I’ll have to name him, any ideas?

I’m getting so many charity bags through the letterbox at the moment. If it keeps up at this rate, I’m going to run out of stuff to donate. I’ll have to start buying stuff just to put in them!

Talking of charity, thanks for coming out and supporting The Graham Mack Rock Band. We did a couple of great gigs this week. We played for Children in Need at CineWorld on Tuesday and returned to the Victoria in Old Town on Thursday. Since June we’ve raised over £8,000 for local charities.

Thanks for calling into the radio show with your Mack’s Facts. Here’s my favorite 10 from this week:

1. It’s better to do SOMETHING that’s not perfect than to do nothing perfectly.

2. Minds are like parachutes, they only work when they are open.

3. A coward gets scared and gives up. A hero gets scared and keeps going.

4. Some people see things as they are and ask, why? Others dream things that never were and ask why not?

5. To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.

6. The greatest danger is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that our aim is too low and we reach it.

7. The best way to predict the future is to create it.

8. If you’re not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.

9. If you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

10. Don’t wait; the time will NEVER be just right.

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-11-13T13:09:00.001Z

The economy has become a handy catch-all excuse for when things go wrong. It’s got to the point now where EVERYTHING that goes wrong is because of the economy. Why can’t we accept that sometimes things just don’t work out? When the economy was good things went wrong, in fact the whole banking collapse that started all of this, happened when the economy was good!

I had a weird dream last night. I was a radio DJ and put a Michael Jackson CD on. Then about half way into the song, his doctor walked into the studio and switched it off!

Thanks for calling into the radio show with your Mack’s Facts. Here’s my favorite 10 from this week:

1. You can do anything but not EVERYTHING.
2. For every situation there is a suitable line from a song.
3. You are free to choose but you’re not free from the consequences of your choices.
4. Her nagging is a sign she cares. Silence means she’s plotting your downfall.
5. That voice in your head that says you can’t do it is a liar.
6. If the music is too loud, you’re too old.
7. Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own.
8. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
9. Wishing your pets could talk is fun, until you realize all of the embarrassing things you done in front of them.
10. Don’t look back; you’re not going that way.

That’s my Craic’s Factor!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-11-06T13:47:00.001Z

It’s great to be home. Last week I was in Dallas. I had a moving experience at Dallas Fort Worth Airport. At passport control, I heard cheering coming from the floor above, the arrivals hall. I thought it must be the Texas Rangers baseball team coming home from playing in the World Series in St Louis. I said to the bloke checking my passport, “Is that for the team?”. He said “No, we hear that all day long, it’s for the troops coming home”. I think that’s really cool.

The experience I had after landing at Heathrow was emotional too but a different emotion, frustration! The plane landed early so it didn’t have a parking space. After taxing for ages, they eventually parked us up in a deserted part of Heathrow next to a line of Qantas planes that had been grounded because of industrial action. Then we had to wait for close to an hour while buses and steps were found. We’d flown four thousand miles from Dallas without any trouble at all but the last five hundred yards to the terminal was a problem! Let me just remind you of why I got home late, it was because the flight was EARLY!

I brought Julie a shower radio back from America. Now she doesn’t have to miss any of my breakfast show when she’s getting ready in the morning. Is that a nice present or is it like buying her a picture of me?

Thanks for all of the Mack’s Facts you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here are my favorite ten from this week:

1. Almost any decision is better than no decision at all.

2. The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.

3. You begin to become successful the minute you decide to be.

4. Mistakes are proof you’re trying.

5. Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

6. Be so good they can’t ignore you.

7. The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you DO.

8. A successful relationship means falling in love lots of times, with the same person.

9. Stress comes from knowing what you should be doing but doing something else.

10. The only thing better than a friend, is a friend with chocolate.

Craic to front!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-10-30T15:53:00.004Z

Julie helped the planet this week by getting a hybrid, it’s about time. We’ve been driving around in a diesel four-by-four for the last few years. I’m not sure the planet will forgive us just yet. It was a great car but too big and so noisy we ended up calling it “Chuggaboom”.

The new car is a Lexus. I can’t say “Lexus” unless I say it in the voice of Alan Partridge. Try it yourself; do your best Partridge voice and go, “Lexus, the Japanese Mercedes”.

I haven’t seen the new car yet. I’m writing this week’s Craic in a hotel room in Dallas Texas. Julie dropped me off at Heathrow in the 4x4 then traded it the next day.

I’m here for a radio conference. Radio here is very different to the UK. I’ve just heard a commercial for a shop that sells "cheap ammo". And there are some strange phone-in contests. The host, in his Texas drawl said, “Ok, it’s time to win the Nascar tickets, here’s this morning’s Mind Bender: Take the number of the car Carl Edwards drives, add the number of the car Dale Earnhart Jnr drives then subtract the number of the car Carl Edwards drives. Now, whose number are you left with?"

I think I might be a bit too English for Texas. I ordered scrambled egg & toast for breakfast from room service. A couple of minutes later, they called back and said, "Are you SURE you don't want any MEAT with that?".

Sometimes I think not much has changed in America in the last 150 years. Just outside the hotel there’s a shoeshine stand. When I walked past there was a white man in a suit and the black man cleaning his shoes. And there were no black people at the conference, just white Americans. It was like being in an episode of ‘Friends’.

The warm-up music before the event was also from a white man, Michael Jackson. Then, right in the middle of one of his songs, a doctor came in and turned him off.

Even though, Julie’s got the hybrid now, the environment hasn’t done well on this trip. There’s the drive to Heathrow in Chuggaboom, the plane here and the one that will take me home, the taxi to the hotel and the fleet of stretch Hummers that took everyone from the conference out to a Texas Barbecue the other night.

I spent a week in Texas
Julie got a Lexus
I wrote the Craic in my hotel room
The new car is a hybrid
Which makes up for the damage I did
In two planes a Hummer
And dear old Chuggaboom

Did I Craic America?

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2011-10-23T17:37:00.002+01:00

Thank you for all of your nice emails and tweets about my latest award. I won Gold for “Best Programme Presenter” at the Frank Gillard Awards.

The award itself is a little gold bust of the BBC’s former Director of Radio, Frank Gillard. It’s a real honour to win it but I’m not sure if the award looks more like a novelty pencil sharpener, a money box or a chess piece from one of those collectors’ items you see advertised in magazines, maybe from the Franklin Mint’s “Legends of the BBC” chess set.

What a great night it was and not only did I beat Anne Diamond, who was one of the finalists, but I found out that Timmy Mallet was one of the judges. So if anyone asks what Anne Diamond, Timmy Mallet and Graham Mack have got in common, now you know.

I was feeling pretty good about myself when Julie and I visited my parents on Saturday. My mother knew I was up for the award and asked how I’d got on. As soon as I said I’d won Gold she said, “Do you put highlights in your hair Julie”? Then my dad showed me a photo-copied diagram of the prostate operation he’d had three weeks ago. People often ask how sometimes on the radio, I manage to make random connections between unassociated topics. Looks like I inherited that skill.

I’ve made up my mind, the Gillard Award looks like a chess piece and Frank is the king!

Wit Craic away!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-10-16T11:01:00.002+01:00

Thanks for calling into the radio show with your Mack’s Facts. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

2. One of the best feelings is when you hug the person you love and they hug you back tighter.

3. What you do speaks louder than what you say.

4. No act of kindness is ever wasted.

5. Stop doing that awkward walk run you do when a car lets you cross the road.

6. At any time you have the powers to say, “This is NOT how this story is going to end”.

7. Your time is limited; don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

8. Even the darkest night ends with a sunrise.

9. You are far from what you once were and not yet what you’re going to be.

10. Consider the glow-worm.
A glow-worm’s never glum.
How can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum?

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-10-10T17:45:00.002+01:00

Well done if you took part in the Swindon Half Marathon, especially to David Roper who won it. My one hundred percent record of not taking park is intact. I did even less this year than last year, so a “PB”!

If I did run, I’d be more George Roper than David Roper.

Paolo Di Canio ended up running the Half Marathon by mistake. He was the official starter. After he blew the horn, he decided to do the two-mile family fun run. Unfortunately, he took a wrong turn and ended up doing the full 13.1 mile Half Marathon. I wonder if it’s a metaphor for Swindon Town’s season? Paolo took over with plans for a fun run, but early on, took a wrong turn and now faces a grueling half marathon!

Thanks for calling into the radio show with your Mack’s Facts. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. You become what you think about.
2. Everything you want is out there waiting for you but you have to take action to get it.
3. A computer may be able to beat you at chess but it’s no match for you at kick boxing!
4. You cannot become rich unless you enrich others.
5. A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
6. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
7. Every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.
8. Chose a job you love and you’ll never have to work another day in your life.
9. Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had.
10. Your thumb measured knuckle to tip is the same length as your nose.

Now take your thumb away from your face!

I’ll be Craicing down again soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-10-03T06:17:00.002+01:00

You should be able to read this week’s craic a bit quicker. I’ve raised the speed limit to 80 miles an hour.

The big news is it’s our 24th wedding anniversary. As I typed that, I misspelled “anniversary” and the spell-check corrected it as “antislavery”. Julie and I always go away to a European city for our antislavery. This year, we chose Hamburg in Germany.

The day before we left, I realized I need to watch my weight. I’d been up and dressed for hours before I noticed I didn’t have my belt on. A couple of days later when I did have my belt on, my trousers were falling down. I think I ate so much in Hamburg that my belly got so big it expanded OVER my belt. I had eaten through to the other side.

Heathrow is a funny place. You always see billboard adverts there for things you don’s see anywhere else. I saw an ad for the “Official water of the 2012 Olympic Games”. Hang on, it’s WATER! Once it’s out of the bottle, how are you going to prove the water you’re drinking is the official water? It’s not like Coca-Cola where the recipe is a closely guarded secret. The ingredients are in its scientific name, H20. That’s two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. No only that, but two thirds of the earth’s surface is covered with the stuff, good luck at the patents office with that one!

Airports are too big. We walked for what must have been twenty minutes to get to the gate. That’s the thing I don’t like about flying, all the walking. When we finally got on the plane, we taxied to the runway for another twenty minutes. It’s 447 miles from London to Hamburg . I’m sure we walked seven from the terminal to the gate, taxied forty to the runway and then only actually flew the last 400!

Talking of taxiing, when we arrived in Hamburg, in the cab to the hotel. I noticed the driver was playing chess on his phone. He was doing really well against the computer. What I can’t work out is why a bloke who is smart enough to beat a computer at chess, isn’t clever enough to realize that playing chess on his phone WHILE he’s driving is dangerous!

At least he wasn’t drunk. They’re obsessed with drinking in Germany, even their word for “please” is the name of a beer! The food was very good though. We even found something typically British, an Indian restaurant. The best bit was they had a belly dancer. Was I wrong to put a five euro note in her waistband?

Thanks for all of the Mack’s Facts you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.
2. The hero is no braver than the ordinary man. He’s just braver for a bit longer.
3. Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.
4. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things; a rainy day, lost luggage or tangled Christmas tree lights.
5. It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.
6. Go the extra mile, it’s never crowded.
7. You may not be there yet but you’re closer than you were yesterday.
8. The most wasted day of all is a day without laughter.
9. Just because someone is there all the time, doesn’t mean you can take them for granted.
10. You can’t MAKE money unless you’re a counterfeiter or the government. Money has to be earned.

Craic to normal!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Graham

Mack's Craic

2011-09-25T09:45:00.002+01:00

This week, I visited Britain’s first public filling station for hydrogen fuel-cell cars. It’s at the Honda plant in Swindon. A couple of hundred thousands pounds of tax-payers money helped get the thing set up thanks to the council’s “Forward Swindon”. As none of us actually drive hydrogen fuel-cell cars yet, I hope they’re not looking too far forward.

Swindon council have also done a deal with a private company to give the town Britain’s first 4G phone network. That would be great if anyone actually had a 4G phone.

REM have split up. Well that was a big surprise to me, REM were still together? The latest news from the band is, “Everybody Hurts”.

The people who say, “Every cloud has a silver lining” make lousy meteorologists. Not only that, they’re just wrong. Sometimes bad stuff is just bad. If we can’t accept that, we’re setting ourselves up to be disappointed. What counts is what you do when bad stuff happens. You’re the one with the power to turn it into something positive but only if you actually do something. It’s not worth sitting around waiting for the silver lining to reveal itself, chances are it won’t because there isn’t one. You can’t control the weather, all you can do is dress appropriately and fix things the weather damaged.

Thanks for your Macks Facts that you’ve been sending into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart.
2. In the end what you’ll regret most is the chances you never took.
3. Blanket in, too hot, blanket off, too cold, one leg out, just right.
4. If you change nothing, nothing will change.
5. If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it.
6. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
7. The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
8. Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.
9. Always write angry emails to your enemies, but never send them.
10. Don’t wait to get picked, pick yourself.

The scientific world has been turned on its head. Researchers have claimed that they have been able to record particles traveling faster than the speed of light. According to the scientists at the Gran Sasso facility in central Italy, experiments showed that subatomic particles known as neutrinos breached the speed of light, which has long been established as the cosmic speed limit. The new finding goes against Einstein’s theory of relativity. It’s thrown open the debate on the possibility of time travel. Really though, is there any need for debate? Swindon council have done deals to provide us with a filling station for cars we don’t have yet and phones we don’t own yet. What more proof do you need that there are people working for the council that have been sent here from the future? There’s even a clue in the name. ”Forward Swindon”!

I’ll show you my Craic again soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-09-18T09:11:00.002+01:00

I’m chuffed this week because I’ve been nominated for another award. I’ve made it to the final three as “Best Programme Presenter” in the Gillard Radio Awards. Also nominated in my category is Anne Diamond. There must be a glitch in the matrix. I never thought I’d ever find myself in the same category as Anne Diamond. Roland Rat maybe, but not Anne! The ceremony is in Sheffield on Thursday 20th October, wish me luck!

It’s been a year since “The Mack Pack”. That’s what I called the team I put together to fix up the vandalized kids skate park at Walcot. It was made up of MPs, councilors, policemen and local residents; we put on overalls and got stuck in. It’s about time we fixed up something else that needs doing. Let me know what’s broken in Swindon. How can we fix it?

If you live in North Wiltshire you’ll need a Freeview box to watch TV from now on. It’s all because of the digital switch-over. It’s funny; EVERYONE calls them Freeview boxes except the media who call them “set-top” boxes. I don’t know anyone who has the box on top of the set.

I’ve really been enjoying the Rugby World Cup. One of the games was played in Whangarei. That’s where I lived for seven years and where I met Julie. It was weird; I kept looking at the crowd thinking I’d see someone I know. The chances of that happening were pretty slim. Mind you, there is a good chance I know the streaker.

Thanks for all of your Mack’s Facts you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. Never take your hat off just before you have your picture taken.
2. You can only teach if you’re willing to learn.
3. Life is short, bend the rules.
4. The world is a book, if you don’t travel, you only read one page.
5. Forgive.
6. Promises mean everything, when they’re broken, sorry means nothing.
7. Obsessed is a word lazy people use to describe the dedicated.
8. Always hope, never expect.
9. Change your thoughts and you’ll change the world.
10. Mirrors and cameras have very different ideas about what you look like.

See my Craic again soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-09-11T10:28:00.004+01:00

The Graham Mack Rock Band played another great gig at the Woodlands Edge in Peatmoor this week. Thanks to the Hellcats for inviting us and to everyone who came along. We helped to raise around six hundred pounds on the night for Wiltshire Air Ambulance.

What happened to summer? Is it just me or did we skip from spring straight to autumn?

There was an embarrassing moment in the BBC daily news meeting for me one morning this week. I have to admit I’d zoned out. One of the managers turned to me and said “And what would you like for breakfast?” I thought for a second and said, “toast”. It turned out they were asking what news stories I’d like for my breakfast SHOW.

Thanks for all of your Mack’s Facts that you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favourite ten from this week:

1. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
2. EVERYONE comes from a dysfunctional family.
3. Do what you love, love what you do.
4. There's always a happy ending. If you're not happy, you're not at the end yet.
5. For better or worse but not for granted.
6. Closeness has nothing to do with distance.
7. A life of "oh wells" is better than a life of "what ifs".
8. People will forget what you said, but not the way you made them feel.
9. The easiest way to re-fold a road map, is in a ball.
10. Never put your toothpaste and your hemaoriod preparation in the same draw.

Another Craics shot soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-09-04T13:29:00.002+01:00

I present a talk show on the radio, so I’m often accused of having a political agenda. On Friday I had a caller say I was “in the pocket” of the Labour party. Another caller accused me of socializing with the Conservatives. The website set up to oppose the building of wind turbines at the Honda car plant has audio from one of my shows to promote their campaign and the website that supports the turbines has audio from another one of my shows to promote THEIR campaign. I’m not sure how I can be Labour AND Conservative, pro AND anti wind turbines. The truth is, it’s all about balance. If I have a guest on the air, I’m going to challenge their point of view. If I didn’t then I would have an agenda.

If you’d like my actual political view, I’ll have it for you at the end of the Craic.

OK, it’s September, is that too early to turn the heating on? Hey, I wanted to turn it on in August. Imagine how cold it would be if we didn’t have global warming!

Hey Boy Racer in your mum’s hatchback. If you’re going to play your music that loud with the windows down, at least play some decent music!

Thanks for calling the radio show with your Mack’s Facts. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.
2. Our lives are storybooks we write for ourselves illustrated with the people we meet.
3. Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
4. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together.
5. Let your past make you better, not bitter.
6. If you haven’t grown up by the age of fifty, you don’t have to.
7. For every minute you’re grumpy, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
8. The only place you’ll find success BEFORE work, is in the dictionary.
9. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, he turned into a butterfly.
10. Don’t fit in, you were born to stand out.

So my political view; the answer to what I believe is in the word itself, “politics”. It’s a word in two parts. The first part of the word, “poli” comes from the Latin for “many” and the second part of the word, “tics”; which means blood sucking parasites.

I’ll be here when you’re looking for Craics!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

2011-08-29T08:53:00.003+01:00

We found ourselves trapped in a parallel universe on Friday. We’d been to look at a replacement for the Mackmoibile (more on that later). The car dealer is in Hatfield, just north of London. It was a 70 mile trip, each way, no big deal. On the way back, we were on the M25 and I noticed the sat nav showed we were 109 miles from home. How can that be? We’ve been heading home for what feels like an hour and now we’re almost 30 miles FURTHER away than when we set off! Next thing I see a sign that says we’re heading for Dartford. I know that’s east of London so we must have got on the M25 and headed clockwise instead of anti-clockwise. The digital compass on the mirror is showing we’re heading North West. That can’t be right if we left Hatfield and are heading for Dartford, we’d be heading south. It felt like I was one of those pilots from Flight 19, lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Nothing made sense and the instruments had gone haywire. Next minute there’s a sign that says “Welcome to Kent”. How can that be? We haven’t crossed the Thames at Dartford yet! - Have you worked out what was going on? I’ll have the answer at the end of the Craic.

The Graham Mack Rock Band gig went great at Riffs. Andy and the team really looked after us. If you were there, thanks for coming, hope we raised loads of money. Next gig is on Saturday 10th September at The Woodlands Edge, Peatmoor Swindon. We’re raising money for the air ambulance at that one.

We have decided to change the Mackmobile. We’ve been destroying the planet with a diesel 4x4 for way too long now. It sounds like a tractor and every time I start it up it, I can almost hear penguins in Antarctica rasping. The new green Mackmobile won’t be here for about seven weeks so it’ll be a long goodbye to faithfull old Chugaboom. We’ve been through a lot together, many trips to Anfield, two trips to Scotland, bad winters in the North East, a house move with two cats, a speeding ticket on the M62 and the night he left us stranded on the M6 in Cheshire when he needed a new engine. It’ll be an emotional goodbye. As I was driving to the sound check on Saturday, just me and him, I realized it was the first time we’d been alone together since we’d made the decision and he was now ‘dead car running’. I didn’t want to find out the Liverpool result so hit the CD button instead of the radio and the track that played was Peter Green’s “I Need Your Love So Bad”. It’s a slow blues song and it sounded like the car was begging me not to let him go. “And when the lights are low and it’s time to go, I need your love so bad”.

Thanks for all of your “Macks Facts” that you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite 10 from this week:
1. Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to someone else.
2. The easiest way to find something you’ve lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
4. People who snore, fall asleep first.
5. When you take a dog out to do its business, the amount of time it takes is inversely proportional to the outside temperature.
6. People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.
7. As soon as you make a hot cup of coffee, your boss will give you something to do that will take exactly the length of time it takes for the coffee to go cold.
8. Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to paramedics.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him that bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to make sure.
10. Whatever you are, be a good one.

Back to the disorientation on the M25. Here’s what we’d done. We were heading the right way on the M25 when we left Hatfield, anti-clockwise. We were talking about cars and deals. The sat nav had gone silent so we missed her saying turn off on to the M4 and head west. We carried on south and then started to head North West though Kent heading for Dartford. If we’d actually crossed the Thames at Dartford it would have been quicker to keep going round until we got to the M4 turnoff again but we weren’t there yet so came off at the next junction and doubled back. Not the best Friday night out we’ve ever had.

I’ll be Craic!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-08-21T11:37:00.002+01:00

I’m really looking forward to The Graham Mack Rock Band’s next gig. We’re headlining at Riffs in Swindon on Saturday night (27th August), hope you can make it to that one.

Thanks for all of the “Mack Facts” you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. Never get a haircut on the way home from the pub.
2. Aspire to be the person your dog thinks you are.
3. Don’t do something permanently stupid because you’re temporarily upset.
4. It’s better to be totally ridiculous than totally boring.
5. Never confuse education with intelligence.
6. What you see depends on what you’re looking for
7. Don’t shout at your kids. Lean in and whisper, it’s much scarier.
8. Holding a grudge is letting someone you don’t like live rent free in your head.
9. You can’t create a new beginning but you can create a new ending.
10. Don’t sweat the petty things. And don’t pet the sweaty things.

I’ll be Craic!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-08-14T10:50:00.004+01:00

Great gig for The Graham Mack Rock Band last week at the Victoria in Old Town Swindon. Next date on our summer tour is this Thursday (18th August) at Swindon Town Football Club, hope you can make it to that one.

Well what a week we had with the riots. Electrical shops, clothes shops and shoe shops were all looted. Waterstones didn’t get touched!

The news about the rioters was confusing. One minute they were mindless thugs, then they were highly organized using social media. Hey, they were either “mindless” or “organized”, they couldn’t have been both.

Thanks for all of the “Mack Facts” you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3. The person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
4. You will never find any one that will give you a good reason why we put the clocks back.
5. If you’ve started to look like your passport photo, you need a holiday.
6. Never lick a steel knife.
7. A conscience is something that hurts when everything else feels good.
8. No man has ever been shot while he’s doing the dishes.
9. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
10. Never say anything to a woman that suggests she’s pregnant unless you know for sure!

I’ll Craic the top off another one soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-08-07T10:25:00.002+01:00

How’s this latest economic crisis? So many countries are in debt. Which country is so rich they could loan all of these countries all of this money? I want to live THERE!

I love the new DAB radio I’ve had installed in the Mackmobile. It took some doing; the bloke who I eventually found to fit it had never installed one before. I say “eventually” because I couldn’t find anyone, including specialist car audio places, that knew much about DAB. I had to laugh this week when I read that a major car audio retailer has announced it’s having a big push on in-car DAB. I went into their Swindon branch a couple of weeks ago and the staff in there didn’t have a clue what DAB was and how it worked. Good luck with your big push!

I’ve been finding out more about Buddhism. The statues of him are interesting. From what I can work out, he started out as a young good looking fella but let himself go towards the end and put on a bit of weight. – Same thing happened to Elvis.

What would happen if you Googled the word “Google”? I’m scared to try in case I crashes the internet.

Thanks for all of the “Mack Facts” you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s my favorite ten from this week:

1. The best way to devalue something is to do lots of it.
2. You can either help, or get out of the way.
3. No matter how cool you are, if a toddler hands you a ringing toy phone, answer it.
4. Life always seems better after a cup of tea and a biscuit.
5. You’re wrong as often as you’re right.
6. Keep doing what you always do and you’ll keep getting what you always get.
7. Nobody tells the truth all of the time.
8. Don’t reward yourself with food, you’re not a dog.
9. The more complicated their coffee order is; the more likely they are to be a prat.
10. A tool kit only needs two things; Duct tape and WD40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, WD40.

Another Craic at it soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-07-31T14:38:00.002+01:00

The Mackmobile is wired for sound! The new audio system I’ve had fitted is superb; it’s got everything, DAB, USB, Aux. I can even plug my phone into it and play podcasts through it. I’ve got all the songs I’m learning for The Graham Mack Rock Band playing off a memory stick and haven’t even tried out the CD player yet! I was worried about the reception on the DAB Radio but it sounds great! With DAB, I really think they should have concentrated on getting them in cars first. When people realized how good they were, they’d be more likely to make sure they got DAB the next time they bought a radio for the house. DAB is more than ten years old and I don’t know of a car maker that fits them as standard. Get that right and everything else will follow.

There’s talk of an analogue radio switch-off to encourage the take up of DAB. I think that’s a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with FM. Now AM, well come on, that IS rubbish. The BBC need to make big savings right now. The first thing they should do is switch off all of their AM transmitters. All of their local services are on FM as well anyway and if you want to listen to 5Live and Radio 4 Long Wave, maybe you should have to buy a DAB set. Most people go to those stations for sport and isn’t it sport that drives the take up of Pay TV boxes?

The more I find out about Buddhism, the more the teachings of Buddha appeal to me. I’ve downloaded a Buddha quotes app on my iPhone and really like the idea of enlightenment. I spoke to some Buddhists at the Mela in Swindon on Saturday and they sold me a book. Well that enlightened my wallet by thirteen quid. It was actually £12.99 but she didn’t have any change. I suppose that’s my first lesson, “Change must come from within”.

I’m thinking of learning how to meditate. I reckon it’ll be better than sitting around doing nothing.

Thanks for all of the Mack’s Facts you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s this week’s Top Ten:
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
3. Men should never wear wigs.
4. All visitors bring happiness. Some by arriving, some by leaving.
5. It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice.
6. Lead from the back, others will think THEY are in front.
7. If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
8. Never pass up the opportunity to have a wee.
9. Life is like a Ferrari, it’s too fast and hardly anyone can afford one.
10. Every day is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.

Craics you later!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-07-24T09:57:00.004+01:00

Rupert Murdoch has left the country on his private jet. A sexy blonde pilot in a low cut uniform flew him all the way to his private airport on a tropical island. A Chinese chauffeur in a black suit and bowler hat, met them and loaded his luggage into the boot of a large convertible. Rupert got in the back. They drove off towards Murdoch’s secret lair which is hidden inside a volcano. When it started to rain, Rupert pushed a button on the arm rest. And it stopped raining.

The Mackmobile is still silent. The radio lost its code after a flat battery and without an enigma machine I’ve got to buy a new one. I’ve ordered a DAB radio. That’s already caused problems because it needs a new aerial as well. I’m not convinced DAB is the future of radio. There aren’t that many extra stations on it compared to internet radio and it doesn’t even work that well. Maybe it’s no coincidence that DAB backwards spells BAD. I’ll let you know how I get on anyway.

I’m fed up of hearing that people have worked “tirelessly”. I don’t believe these people worked without getting tired.

I really miss Borders the book shop. Who’d have thought a shop where you can sit and read books without buying them would fail?

Thanks for all of the Mack’s Facts you’ve been calling into the radio show. Here’s this week’s Top Ten:

1. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Concrete will not set until a cat has walked through it.

3. There is a gland in your belly button that secretes blue fluff.

4. Time wounds all heals.

5. Cuckoos do not build their own nests. This is because they live in a clock.

6. Don’t use time to save money. Spend money to save time.

7. Politicians are like nappies, they should be changed regularly. For the same reason.

8. In a fast food restaurant if they say “Sorry about the weight”, take the hint!

9. Don’t change the password on your computer at work on the Friday before a long weekend.

10. It’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s how you deal with it that counts.

Look through another Craic next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-07-17T08:29:00.002+01:00

The Mackmobile doesn’t have a radio right now. I had a flat battery on Monday morning (still don’t know why). The radio needs a security code to work again. Well I don’t have the code or the instructions any more. I took it to a car radio bloke and he can’t fix it. Now I have to buy a new radio. They call it a security code but security isn’t what it’s there for. It doesn’t do anything to stop your radio being stolen. Security codes on car radios do the same job as “use by” dates; they force you to buy a replacement for something that doesn’t need replacing.

Lee Mack has been very busy lately. I have been called Lee Mack’s more talented, better looking brother but never by Lee.

Imagine if life was a board game. What would be written on the inside of the box? The rules of the game and hints on how to play. You’ve played the game for a while now, what should be on there? I’m calling these “Mack’s Facts”. Thanks if you’re one of the people that have already called them in to the radio show.

Here’s my favorite ten this week:

1. There is no cure for stupid.
2. Never trust anyone that says, “trust me”.
3. Hot air hand driers only warm your hands before you dry them on your trousers.
4. If you don’t like change, you’re going to like being irrelevant a whole lot less.
5. Never get a cat to mind your lunch.
6. If you speed you’ll get to the congestion faster.
7. There is no name for the back of your knees.
8. You will never know the value of a moment until it’s a memory.
9. If you actually had 5 portions of fruit and drank 8 glasses of water in a day like they say you should, you’d spend that day on the toilet.
10. We never actually grow up, we just learn how to act in public.

I’ll do my best to Craic the code of life again next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Listen to the Graham Mack Breakfast Show Podcast on iTunes.

Mack's Craic

2011-07-10T11:39:00.003+01:00

I’ve had major computer problems this week. I couldn’t get audio off CD and into the computer. After uninstalling software, surfing the internet and trying to get onto help lines, I tried running a cleaning CD through it, bingo it worked! Now I can’t load the software back on that had nothing to do with the problem, it’s on CDs. So it looks like I’ll have to change the CD drive. I’ve never done that before, wish me luck.

I got a strange email from Gavin Jones the Chief Executive of Swindon Council. It said, “I found the audio interesting, not sure why you sent it to me.” It turns out I’d recorded some stuff at our School of The Week and emailed it to a BBC producer for it to be edited. The producer’s name is Mark Jones, he’s right next to Gavin Jones in my address book. Good job it wasn’t audio of someone criticizing the council!

As you know, Gavin is the lead guitar player in The Graham Mack Rock Band. Thanks for coming to see us at Lydiard Park on Saturday. We had a great time, hope we raised plenty of money. Your next chance to see us on the 11th August at the Victoria pub in Old Town.

That was my first gig on Saturday. Later that night, I hosted the charity concert at Christ Church in Old Town and even got to sing You’ll Never Walk Alone with the Kentwood Choir. We raised over £7000 on the night. I think they’re going to let me sing again at the Wyvern Theatre at Christmas.

Talk to you on the radio in the morning when I’ll run a cleaning CD through the computer of life!

Craic to life, Craic to reality!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic

2011-07-03T09:05:00.003+01:00

Why do bedrooms have windows? Without them, in the winter the room would be better insulated and cheaper to heat. In the summer it wouldn’t get as hot in there and the light wouldn’t come in and wake you up at the weekends and you’d never get caught out by the window cleaner. As soon as someone wakes up to this idea, there’ll be no more windows in bedrooms. It’ll be curtains for windows!

I’m so glad they’ve issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gadaffi. It’s a better idea than the current plan, which is to keep dropping bombs on Libya until one of them hits him.

Craic’s life!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

2011-06-26T12:06:00.003+01:00

My producer Richard Crowley is having a mid-life crisis. He’s bought a red sports car. Men get a way better deal than women at this time in their life. We get a hot car, they get hot flushes!

Richard’s new car is a roadster. In case you don’t know the difference between a roadster and a convertible; a convertible has a roof you can put down when the weather’s nice. A roadster has a roof you can up when the weather’s bad.

Times are still tough and a lot of companies are asking for voluntary redundancies. Think about it, the only people that are going to take that deal are people that can easily get another job. In other words, your best people. During tough times, aren’t they the people you need to keep hold of the most?

I wonder if mid-life crisis Richard will choose sky diving or bungee jumping. There’s another difference between men and women at that time of life. We get to have hair raising experiences, they just get hairy!

Craic to the future!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic

2011-06-19T12:51:00.001+01:00

I had a great gig with The Graham Mack Rock Band on Saturday. We were the opening act of the Old Town Festival. We only play charity gigs and our target is to raise ten thousand pounds in a year. Next gig is in Swindon’s Lydiard Park on Saturday July 9th, see you there.

I’m learning a lot at school. Every week I go out to a different school and record stuff with the kids to play on the radio. So far I’ve learned that a “super-injunction” is a five way roundabout, a “hen night” is a chicken in a suit of armor and Father’s Day is the same as Mother’s Day, only cheaper.

I’m not happy with Twitter. The list called “Similar to you” says I’m “similar” to Swindon Library! Hey, it’s a fine library but I was hoping to be “similar” to someone cool.
I’m writing this latest Craic on my new iPad. I’ve been looking for cases and covers for it. There’s one you can get that’s made of wood. They missed a trick there; they should have called it the “Apple Tree”! They could make one for Sony called the “PlayStation Tree” or a case for your mobile phone called the “Tree G”!

Have you seen the picture Al-Qaeda have released of their new supreme leader? He doesn’t look a bit like Diana Ross!

Oh brilliant, now Twitter says I’m “Similar” to Vanessa Feltz!

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-06-11T14:28:00.002+01:00

Thanks to everyone that sent me nice messages on my birthday. The day started out great, my producer Richard Crowley brought in a box of Celebrations then Julie brought in three boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. Before ten o’clock, I’d eaten all of the chocolates and four of the donuts. Well you know what they say; breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

Julie bought me an iPad for my birthday. It’s really cool, even has a video camera on it. Now I’ll be able to film people rolling their eyes when I get the iPad out in public!

There’s been a lot of talk about the new Aston Villa manager this week. The owner of Villa is a bloke called Randy Lerner. That name sounds like a character in the film “Confessions of a Driving Instructor”.

I bought some padded envelopes the other day. I’m not sure Staples should be encouraging the sexualisation of stationery!

Everyone keeps going on about the air tattoo at RAF Fairford soon. What is it? It sounds like something you have done if you play heavy metal air guitar.

I hope you can make it to the Graham Mack Rock Band’s next gig on our summer tour. We’re the opening act of this year’s Old Town Festival at the Bowl in Swindon. See you next Saturday (18th); we’re on stage at four o’clock.

Hope I made you Craic a smile!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-06-05T11:58:00.004+01:00

I was one of those lucky enough to see Jerry Seinfeld at the O2 in London. He was quite simply superb. Ok, I’m a massive fan of the sitcom but that could have been a problem. Sometimes when you see someone live who you love from TV, they just can’t match up to your expectations. Jerry Seinfeld exceeded them!

I was so glad the show was sold out. ‘Seinfeld’ is the most successful sitcom of all time world-wide but was never as big a deal in the UK as ‘Friends’. When you watch the two shows it’s hard to see why. ‘Friends’ is lame in comparison. The characters are weak and two-dimensional compared to Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine.

It’s all about marketing. “Friends” was on Channel 4 (the coolest channel at the time) on a Friday night and was promoted constantly. ‘Seinfeld’ was hidden, late at night on BBC2 in their mid-week schedule and almost never promoted. I feel sorry for you if you bought the hype and say you “prefer” ‘Friends’, when you’ve never actually watched a full episode of Seinfeld. Let me just say on behalf of the twenty thousand of us who were at the O2; there isn’t anything wrong with that, you may have man hands and NO SOUP FOR YOU!”

-------------------------------------------------

Thin Lizzy played in Swindon last week. There weren’t actually that many original members. Maybe they should be called “Thin on the ground Lizzy”.

I don’t understand why people say, “You’ve got to peel back the layers, it’s like peeling back the layers of on onion”. Do they mean if you go deeper you’ll find something you weren’t expecting? I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense, if you peel back the layers of an onion, all you get is more onion. It’s not like you suddenly find an orange inside!

Showbiz is very fickle. Look at Cheryl Cole, two weeks ago she was hot property in the USA, today she can’t get arrested. – Unless of course she attacks another cleaner!

Another Craic at it soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-05-28T16:10:00.001+01:00

The world didn’t end on May 21st. A lot of people, who thought it would, sold everything they owned. I wonder what they thought they were going to do with the money. When the world was still there on the Sunday morning, the Californian evangelist that predicted Armageddon seemed pretty unhappy. I don’t know why, after all, it’s not the end of the world!

I interviewed the West Regional Manager of First Great Western Trains on the show this week. Unfortunately he was on the phone. If he’d have come into the studio, I could have make him wait, told him the interview had been delayed and then made him stand because all of the seats are taken. I really want to interview someone from Virgin trains. Have you been on one of those? Don’t sit near the toilets, they stink. I think the Pendolino train was the Italians way of combining their love of speed with their primitive plumbing.

It turns out that the ‘Butcher of Bosnia’ Ratko Mladic IS fit enough to stand trial. Unfortunately his victims are not alive enough to testify against him.

Hi to Scott Gorham from Thin Lizzy. He made a Rock ‘n’ Roll dream come true the other day. The lead guitar player in The Graham Mack Rock Band is Gavin Jones, the Chief Executive of Swindon Borough Council. Scott is his guitar hero. I got the two of them to jam together live on the air. I’ve never seen Gavin so nervous!

Sarah Palin looks like she’s running for president, the boss of the IMF is in jail and Paulo Di Canio is the boss of Swindon Town. - Are we SURE the world didn’t end?

Another Craic Factor soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-05-19T18:06:00.003+01:00

Thanks for all your messages of congratulation after we won Gold for “Breakfast Show of The Year” at the Sony Radio Academy Awards. It was so cool! Chris Evans announced it and Matt Baker from ‘The One Show’ presented it. I met loads of stars there including Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones. Luckily I didn’t end up on his table, imagine what a round of drinks on THERE would have cost!

One of the other rock stars I met on the night was Paul Rodgers. He used to be the lead singer in Free. I told him The Graham Mack Rock Band had nicked their song “All Right Now” and he didn’t seem to mind. I’m not sure he if he was having me on or not when he told me his wife was going to open a sanctuary for rescued cats and she was going to call it “All Right Meeow”.
It was great to see Danny Baker from BBC London and Five Live up and about again after his battle with cancer. I had a chat with him during the awards. He gave me an insight into his friendship with Chris Evans. I asked him what was the best part of the night for him. He said his highlight was earlier in the evening when he wrote a cheque to Chris Evans to pay back all the money Chris had loaned to him during the eight months Danny wasn’t working because of his illness.
I think the most surreal moment at the Sonys was after we’d won and were back stage. I found myself chatting to Ronnie Wood and Frank Skinner. Usually I only get to meet people like that because I’m interviewing them for the radio but we were all there because we’d just won gold awards. Talk about three people with nothing in common but for that night, we all had something in common. And they were buzzing as much about their wins as I was about mine.
More gold in the Craic soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-05-02T13:26:00.002+01:00

It turns out Osama Bin Laden wasn’t in a cave, he’d been living in a house in suburbia all along. I can’t wait till the TV crews talk to his neighbors, “We were shocked, he was such a quiet bloke, kept himself to himself”, “We thought his name was Old Sammy Binardon”, “He did seem to get a bit over-enthusiastic at the Neighborhood Watch Meetings”.

Did you enjoy the Royal Wedding? I pretended I was there by watching it on the telly through a cardboard periscope. I noticed the Westminster Abbey gift shop was closed for the day, they missed a trick there! They need to pay more attention to keeping the Abbey clean. The inside was so dirty, plants were growing!

I felt sorry for the Queen at the wedding. Everyone else got to dress up; she just wore what she always wears, hat, coat, and gloves. Tara Palma-Tomkinson looked nice though in a brand new matching handbag and nose. Kate’s mum Carol looked good too. One day she’ll be the Queen Mother. That’s a big responsibility, I hope she likes gin!

I liked all the nice cars they used. I noticed no one wore a seat belt. They were lucky no one got a ticket; there were a lot of cops about!

Did you have a Royal Wedding guest name? It’s a lot like your Star Wars name or your porn star name. Have you noticed you always need your mother’s maiden name to work these things out? I hope it’s not just a sneaky way to hack your bank account.

The soldiers on horseback were great. You know you live in a big house when you have a Household Cavalry. Still, after the mess those horses made on the Mall, I’m not sure I could live with the smell. It didn’t bother William and Kate; they spent the night at Buckingham Palace. Fancy spending your wedding night at your grandmothers!

Have another look at my Craic soon!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2011-04-25T11:47:00.002+01:00

Hey, bloke who served me in the sandwich shop; I don’t want sauce, salad, extra cheese for 20p, crisps, a drink, to decide which bread, a cookie, a muffin or a cup cake. I haven’t got a loyalty card and don’t want one. What I DO want is to be able to buy a sandwich and not feel like I’m being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman!

Praise for failure is a dangerous thing. Britain’s Got Talent is not the same without Simon Cowell. The more people said he was cruel, the more I found myself agreeing with him when he said it’s the friends and family who are cruel by encouraging people who have no detectable talent. I understand that families do it because of love; in fact the definition of family could be “A group of people who support each other for no rational reason”. Encouragement helps people feel loved but giving an award for failure in the real world serves no useful purpose.

Everyone who lives in Swindon is supposed to have free wifi by now because of an ambitious council scheme. Unfortunately only one out of the twenty-one council wards has the system working. The council has loaned £400,000 pounds to Digital City, the company that’s supposed to be doing the work. They haven’t hit a single target and the interest on the loan hasn’t been paid for five months. Now the Local Government Chronicle has named Swindon Council as “most innovative” in the country for the wifi scheme.
An award for failure is a victory of ‘spin’ over truth. It undermines the efforts of the people who really make a difference and are achieving things, and that’s cruel.

Got to get Craicing!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-04-17T12:01:00.002+01:00

Swindon is one of the UK’s best kept secrets. I’m going to change all of that. I got a classic 1967 double decker bus from Thamesdown Transport, grabbed tourists visiting Wiltshire and took them on a tour of Swindon’s best kept secrets. Did you know Swindon produced the world’s first bottled water, double glazing and prosthetic limbs? It’s got connections to Shakespeare, Cromwell, the Doomsday Book and was the site of Britain’s bloodiest battle? The tourists on our “Roundabout Swindon Magical Mystery Tour” do!

I’ve finally done what I should have done when I first got my iPhone. I’ve got a little plastic protective sleeve for it. The last straw was when I noticed a chip in the screen and a crack right across the back. Now I feel guilty for letting him go out into the world unprotected for so long.

Doctors are referring overweight people to gyms. Call me old fashioned but I liked the old days when you needed a doctor’s note to get OUT of gym.

I’ve just had another look at that statue outside Fulham Football Club. It doesn’t look a bit like Michael Jackson. Mind you, Michael Jackson didn’t look much like Michael Jackson either.

First gig for the Graham Mack Rock Band went well at the Victoria in Old Town. Your next chance to see us is on Saturday at Wharf Green in Swindon. We’re the first act on at noon, hope you can make it.

The boss of Starbucks says he wants them to expand into a grocery business. I don’t know, is the world ready for a tin of beans with a ponsy Italian name that costs ten quid?

If you missed out on being on board the “Roundabout Swindon Magical Mystery Tour”, you’ll be able to hear what went on this week. We’re playing highlights of the tour every day on The Graham Mack Breakfast Show.

Craic’s life!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-03-30T20:52:00.003+01:00

Big news! I’ve been nominated for Best Breakfast Show at the Sony Radio Awards! The big night is 9th May at the Grosvenor on Park Lane, wish me luck.

How’s this latest set of protests in London? I heard that the bloke wearing a “Say no to Capitalism” T-shirt was doing a roaring trade selling whistles at a pound a go! That reminds me, Why did the socialist occupy Fortnum and Mason? The answer coming up later in the Craic. Is it true that in a revenge attack, some tweed clad old Etonians vandalized a Lidl in Slough?

It’s British Summer Time, I hope you’re coping with being in a different time zone. I was amazed when I noticed my mobile phone changed the time itself. So far my phone is dealing with the time-change better than I am.

I was surprised how easy the Census was to fill out. That’s until I got to the bit that asks about your passport. I’m lucky enough to hold three. I did the online version, and after I’d filled in “British” it said “other”. There wasn’t enough room to put “Australia” and “New Zealand” so I just put “NZOz”. I hope they know what I mean and don’t think I’m from some weird planet. I probably confused them enough when I put my religion down as “LFC”. I stand by that one, Liverpool Football Club IS my religion. I go to Anfield to worship, sing a hymn called “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and what I do during the game is a version of “praying”.

NATO are now running things in Libya. They say operations there have a definite end date. I don’t believe that, we’ve still got troops in Germany!

I had a good time at the running of the annual “Mad March Hare” 10K fun run. I didn’t run of course, it breaks my golden rule of no pain, no pain!

Sad news; the inventor of super glue has died aged 94. He’s been buried in the top draw with the scissors, a biro and seventeen elastic bands.

Only one more band practice till our first gig. If you’re in Swindon on Friday 8th April, I hope you can check us out at the Victoria pub in Old Town. We’re on first so get there early. I got home from band practice the other night and went to make myself a tuna sandwich. Julie said, “Oh no you don’t! There’s only one tin left and that’s for the cats!”

…And the answer to why the socialist occupied Fortnum and Mason. “Because proper tea, is theft!”

Craic to the future!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-03-20T14:38:00.002Z

I’m not happy because the phone at home isn’t working again; it’s been off for a week. I keep calling the fault line on my mobile and it’s as if they don’t believe me. They keep asking me to disconnect it and plug it into different places in the house. At one stage they made me unplug everything for six hours so they could test the line. Then they called on the mobile and told me there wasn’t a fault. I said. “Ok, if there isn’t a fault, how come you’ve had to call me on the mobile?” I’m starting to think I’m on Candid Camera. Sometimes I end up talking to a bloke that doesn’t even sound Indian!

Thank you for supporting me for Comic Relief. Your money will make a big difference to a lot of people.

I’ve just heard something being put through our letterbox. The postman’s already been so it’s probably just another pizza menu. How do they know Julie can’t cook?

If you’re a bloke that thinks going clothes shopping with your wife is a nightmare, you should try going shopping for a pair of glasses. Julie even said, “Does my face look fat in these?”.

I found out what came through the letterbox. It was a card from the telephone engineer. It said that he’d called and we weren’t in. I ran out into the street, found his van, waved the card at him and said, “Hey, we’re in, why didn’t you knock on the door?” He said, “I tried to call you and there was no answer so I thought you must be out”. I said, “Hey, if the phone worked, why would you be here to fix it?” Alright, where’s the hidden camera?

Another Craic shot soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-03-09T16:12:00.002Z

Someone should tell Alex Ferguson that it’s not “Red Nose Day” yet.

Are you being funny for money? That’s the whole idea, don’t confuse it with “Brown Nose Day” that’s completely different and usually occurs on consecutive days shortly after a rumor of impending redundancies has swept through the office. I’ve worked in the media for a long time now and remember on one “Brown Nose Day” a fellow radio presenter bought the boss a house. That’s right, A HOUSE!!!! It worked though, he ended up keeping his job, getting more money and his show got networked onto other radio stations. These days he has a national television show. I wish I could tell you his name but he’s so rich and powerful now I don’t dare. Let’s just call him Rudolf the Brown Nose Reindeer.

Anyhow, back to RED Nose day. What a time I’ve had with Comic Relief. I performed part of my stand-up routine for a panel of experts including Jo Brand, Jon Culshaw, Hugh Dennis and Emma Freud in the BBC Theater at Broadcasting House. I think it went OK, Jo Brand said she liked what I did anyway. Afterwards I was feeling more confident about my gig at the Victoria pub in Swindon. That was until Gavin Jones the Chief Exec of Swindon Council called me and said everyone from the council who I’ve interviewed on the BBC and given a hard time to, will be there just to heckle. In the end, they left me alone and I managed to get through my five minute set OK. Now all I have to do is get the money in for Comic Relief. All you have to do is text WILTS to 70011. Please take the time to text especially if you’re a regular reader of this blog. A pound’s doesn’t buy much these days but it can make a big difference to someone who might not even get the chance to go on the internet.

Craic to front!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-02-26T16:36:00.002Z

Cheryl Cole is in America and she’s having elocution lessons. Her Geordie accent is a problem. What exactly has Cheryl Cole got to say that’s so important we want people to understand her?

Talking of music, McFly seem to be doing alright considering they’re named after what must be the least popular item on McDonald’s menu.

Which reminds me; you can’t sell Cornish pasties unless they come from Cornwall from now on. That’s because of a ruling by the E.U.. Where does all this leave the makers of Mars Bars? It could mean big changes when you order a pizza with an “Italian” base. If they have to go and get it from Italy every time, they’re not going to be able to deliver it in less than twenty minutes. I ordered a pizza this week. The bloke on the other end said, “How can I help you?” – Take a wild guess Pizza Boy!

Here’s a tip, don’t let a loud fart go when you’re sat next to your wife on the couch and she’s just called her parents on speaker phone.

Friday I’m off to London for the stand-up comedy Boot Camp. It’s all happening at Broadcasting House, wish me luck! My comedy set for Comic Relief is on Monday 7th March at the Victoria pub.

My new band has our first gig. You’ll be able to see The Graham Mack Rock Band on St Georges Day 23rd April outside, next to the BBC big screen a Wharf Green in Swindon.

I’ve just heard that Cheryl Cole’s given up her American elocution lessons and instead she is just going to mime to a posher backing tape.

I’ll fill another Craic soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-02-17T18:38:00.002Z

People don’t cope with change; the slightest thing throws them off balance. You should have seen it when the staff showed up at work and noticed the new coffee machine. They looked it up and down suspiciously then reached out, touched it then pulled their hands back in quickly. It was like when the apes first noticed the obelisk in “2001: A Space Odyssey”.

The second band practice for the new Graham Mack Rock Band went well. We had to rehearse at 9:00am on Saturday morning because the drummer had promised his wife he’d sort out their garden. I hope she lets him out for gigs!

If you remember, after the apes touched the obelisk, they turned carnivorous. A similar thing has happened with the new coffee machine, only it’s the machine itself that’s turned all aggressive. It’s stopped giving out change; it eats your money, its “coinivorous”.

You’ve probably heard about Kelly Coxhead from Swindon who’s so desperate for her boyfriend to marry her that she’s turned to FaceBook. Could she just be desperate to have her last name changed from Coxhead?

Maybe the staff were right to be suspicious of the new coffee machine, it’s so dishonest. The way it works is you take a sachet of coffee powder and put it in the slot. While it’s making your drink a display lights up and says “Your freshly ground espresso is being brewed”. It’s fooling no one; Not only have I tasted the coffee it makes, I’m the one who put the sachet in there. I know there’s nothing fresh or ground about what I’m about to drink.

The BBC has entered my show for a Sony Radio Award. My Mum is so proud, she told my auntie Hazel on the phone that I’m up for a “Tony”.

Maybe our new coffee machine that doesn’t give change is a Buddhist and it’s just reminding us all that, “change must come from within”.

Craicing down!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-02-10T15:54:00.003Z

That Ray Mears has been on TV again talking about how to survive when there’s not much food about. He wouldn’t have to worry about finding food if he actually lived inside the telly. Every time I switch mine on there’s always someone cooking or eating.

My internet at home keeps cutting out. Now my service provider wants £50 for an engineer to come out and fix it. Hang on a minute, it’s THEIR equipment, why do I have to pay? I’m already paying every month for something I’m not getting, surely they owe ME money!

Have you ever had fish eat your feet? It’s called a fish pedicure. I had it done the other day, I didn’t like it. People actually pay to stick their feet in water that’s full of fish that eat the dead skin off. It’s not my thing at all. The people who run the place were nice enough but it was like being in a cross between a massage parlor, a strip club and a Bond villan’s lair. I had to concentrate really hard on not shouting, “Piranha!”

Why do bin trucks think it’s OK to block the whole street? They can see you stuck behind them but don’t look as if they’re emptying the bins any faster. Maybe they do it because when they do eventually drive off they get to experience what it’s like to lead a parade.

The Graham Mack Rock Band is taking shape. This week, we’re adding a bass player and drummer. I’ll let you know when you can see us at our first gig.

That Ray Mears must be good at finding food when there’s not much about. Look at him, he hasn’t missed many meals.

Craic to the Future!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-02-03T17:43:00.004Z

Thank you for listening to my radio show. The ratings have gone up again; it’s nice to know you like what I’m doing in the morning.

I’ve been getting some strange emails lately. I just opened one that said, “If you’d like to run the bath…”

Actually I’ve been getting some weird messages from my computer. It’s just flashed up that its anti-virus software is about to retire. What am I supposed to do? Buy it a gold watch? Retirement? How long has it been working for me? How do I know it’s even been working? This is the first time it’s had anything to do with me. For all I know it’s been skiving off playing solitaire on my computer or creating the illusion of busy while it’s secretly been checking it’s Facebook all day. What does a computer program do when it retires anyway, play computer bowls? Maybe it just sits around grumbling about how laptops today don’t know they’re born and what this country needs is a bloody good war game.

If cats have a nationality, they’d have to be French. The French word for cat is “chat” (pronounced “shat”). We’ve got two and I agree, they’re a couple of little chats!

I’ve just had another look at that email, I should have read on. It says …Half Marathon, apply now”.

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-27T15:58:00.002Z

I’ve got a new smart phone and I love it. It is power hungry though, I just noticed I need to charge it up for the second time today.

Here’s a thought, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, Eric Pickles. Look at him; he looks exactly like someone who would be called Eric Pickles!

I’m a bit worried about the future of high street shops. Julie went to buy an HDMI lead in an electrical shop, they wanted £75. When she came home, we ordered one on the internet for a fiver. Ok, the five pound one might not be as good a quality as the £75 pound one, it might not last as long but really, will the £75 one last fifteen times longer?

I want the lead so I can hook up my HD box to the telly. Watching football on the TV won’t be the same without Andy Gray. It’ll be MUCH BETTER!

Oh and my new phone, turns out the extension lead I plugged the charger into, isn’t plugged in. Smart phone, dumb owner.

Could the Graham Mack Rock Band be ready to hit the road this summer? More on that in the next Craic.

Another Craic will appear soon!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-19T16:53:00.002Z

Whenever we’re in the car together, Julie and I adopt different roles. I drive and she sits in the passenger seat and nags me about my driving.

We drove up north the other day. On our way through the Midlands we passed the services at Frankley. I was going to stop but pushed on to the next one and Frankley, I don’t give a damn. We ended up stopping at a place that had one of those well known coffee shops in it. You know the kind of place where you get served by people who look down their nose at you if you don’t know how to say “normal cup of coffee in a normal size cup” in pigeon-Italian. Why is it that after you’ve paid at the first counter and waited at the second counter, you have to wait again because you can’t get to the little stand that has the milk and sugar because it’s only three feet wide and surrounded by twelve people who are taking longer to put milk and sugar into their cup than it took to make the drink in the first place?

It was driving of a different kind I ended up giving up on. For my producer Richard Crowley’s birthday we went karting. I had a rotten cold and about half way through the thirty lap race I had to retire. I wasn’t so much a Michael Schumaker, more of a Graham snot-maker.

No more karting for me then. To be honest I prefer driving my own car even if Julie is nagging in the passenger seat. I’m the captain, she’s the nagivator.

Craics you later!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-15T12:04:00.003Z

There’s a new perfume for women that smells like money. If women really want to attract men, they should wear a perfume that smells like beer.

The cleverer gadgets get, the dumber I feel. I’ve got a new smart phone. Unfortunately the phone is smart but I’m not. Every time I want to do something or change something on it, I have to go to Youtube and watch a video taking me through what to push, hold or slide. What makes me feel particularly stupid is that the videos are narrated by twelve year old kids.

Twenty-four percent of people surveyed described themselves as chronic procrastinators. I bet that figure is really much higher because it’s only based on people that actually completed the survey.

Compulsory retirement at age 65 will end in October. David Cameron says it will help the economy. That depends; it’s not going to do much for the gold watch industry.

MGM says the James Bond film almost didn’t get made because of the bad economy, which explains the title, “Cash-for-gold-finger”.

Hey, a fragrance that smells like money would be more useful for men to wear to attract women.

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-10T17:10:00.002Z

Is there going to be enough flu vaccine? I heard on the BBC that if supplies run low GPs will be using old socks. How can old socks beat the flu virus?

Did you watch “Famous and Fearless”? It was literally car-crash TV. If you missed it, Z list “celebrities” competed with each other in various stunts in cars, bikes and on skateboards. The skateboard event called “street luge” had the “stars” going down hill fast (enough said). The title “Famous and Fearless” could refer to Chris Evans, as he was the only one who is remotely famous and also fearless enough to host a show this lame.

I had computer problems this week at work. The engineer fixing it, tapped away at the keyboard then turned to me and said, “Your profile is corrupt”. That’s nice, in the middle of fixing the problem; he decided to insult my character!

There’s a supermarket price war on at the moment. Asda has said they’ll be selling 15,000 items cheaper than its rivals. Is it really a “war”? Will the head of a supermarket chain be getting on the Tanoy and saying, “Attention shoppers, we will fight them on the sweets, we will fight them on the bleaches…”?

Oh, GPs are going to be using old STOCKS!

Craic to the future!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-06T16:04:00.002Z

The bad news: You’re back at work, its freezing cold, there’s a flu epidemic and you’re fat. The good news: I’m back on the radio!

If you drive a diesel, there is a way to beat the high price of fuel. A lot of people are running their diesels on cooking oil. It’s the perfect fuel because when Rudolf Diesel invented his engine, it was designed to run on vegetable oil. He ran his prototype on peanut oil. I remember testing this when I was the boss at 2CR FM, the radio station in Bournemouth. We got hold of an old Peugeot diesel, filled it up with used fat from a local chip shop, christened the car “the Global Fryer”, put it on a ferry and drove it to Paris and back. It ran just fine, maybe even better than it had on diesel. I’m not sure how legal it all is because cooking oil is food so doesn’t have any VAT on it. I bet you’re supposed to declare it and pay the VAT. Mind you, if you’re using waste chip oil like we did it’s not worth anything. Twenty percent of nothing is still nothing. If you do try this though, you might save money but you’ll put on weight. When the car was running, it smelled like chips. The longer you were in it, the hungrier you got.

I’ve managed to Link my Twitter account to my Facebook. Now whenever I tweet, it shows up on Facebook as well. Don’t ask me how I did this, it took me a few goes and at one stage I got really angry with it. It didn’t help that right in the middle of all my faffing, I checked my Facebook and it said “Graham Mack likes Twitter app”. Like it? When it said that, I couldn’t get it to work and really hated it! Now I’ve got it working, I do like it. I think this merging of social networks is the future. Eventually Youtube, Twitter and Facebook will be merged into one giant, time wasting website called “YouTwitFace”.

Well, I can’t get you a new job, warm you up, or cure your flu but my show on the BBC can help you lose weight IF it’s used as part of a calorie controlled diet.

Craicy New Year!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2011-01-02T12:40:00.003Z

Thank you for looking at my Craic in 2010; I hope you like what you see in 2011. I know this is a difficult time of year; in fact the suicide rate goes up. That’s why when Julie tried to buy two packets of aspirin at Boots, they'd only sell her one. She must have looked stressed.

I woke up at midnight on Friday to the sound of explosions. Then I realized what night it was. When did setting off fireworks in your neighborhood become part of the New Year’s Eve Celebrations? Let’s think, how can we make Bonfire night even more dangerous? I know, lets make it really hard to buy fireworks after 5th November, forcing people to stock pile explosives for two months in their own homes and if they don’t accidentally blow themselves up in that time, let’s make sure they’re really drunk before they try to set them off!

By the way, did you have a good New Year’s heave? It’s the only night of the year we get to call drunks “revellers”. What exactly is being celebrated? It’s not like we’re the first place in the world that changes the date at midnight. It was 2011 on half the planet before it was our turn.

I used to really like New Years Eve but that was when I lived in Australia and New Zealand. Not only did we get to celebrate the New Year before most other time zones, it’s also the summer. Being outside watching fireworks at midnight on a warm night is quite nice. Britain should move New Years Eve to 30th June. We’d be celebrating the fact that we’re half a year ahead of the rest of the world AND that we’d managed to survive seven months without the previous November’s fireworks going off all at once in the kitchen cupboard.

I do have a New Years Honour and that goes to the bloke I saw on the Kop at Anfield wearing a hat that had come out of a Christmas cracker. Hey, it was red!

Surely the people in Boots noticed Julie was using her reward card. If she was going to kill herself, how did they think she was going to claim the points?

Hope you’re having a Craicing 2011!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-27T14:37:00.002Z

Christmas is a good time to let people know how much you love them. It’s also a time when we all eat too much. People seem surprised that Britain has an obesity problem. Surprised? We’re OBSESSED with food even when it’s not Christmas. Everywhere you look, you see food or adverts for food. It’s on billboards, in magazines, and on TV. Every time I turn on the telly, someone is cooking or eating. Celebrities are selling food from chocolate oranges, to crisps or entire supermarket food departments. Our biggest celebrities are chefs!

Not only did I go out for the BBC’s Christmas meal, the team that works on the Graham Mack Breakfast Show went out for pizza. We all worked out what we wanted and then someone decided we should order starters. I don’t get that; no one orders a starter at home. The concept of a starter makes no sense to me. So you want pizza but you don’t want it as soon as it’s ready, you want to wait. But you’re hungry, so you order some food to have while you’re waiting. Calling it a “starter” implies you’ve never eaten before. You want to start with something basic and when you get the hang of that, you’ll move on to some more advanced flavors. Does that make desert a form of eating that should only be attempted by experts?

For Julie and I Christmas Eve means watching the 1946 Jimmy Stewart film “It’s a Wonderful life”. This year it was the new fully restored version on Blu-ray. I’m sure it gets better every time we watch it.

Christmas Day isn’t just about food. It’s about getting cool stuff too. Julie really liked the phone I got her and some CDs by The Black Keys. She bought me a new laptop and a surprise gift; a Liverpool shirt signed “To Graham, best wishes, Kenny Dalglish”. When I opened it, I burst into tears, she must really love me.

Hope you have a Craicing 2011!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-23T16:33:00.001Z

The zebra crossing at Abbey Road has been given Grade II listed status, as a nationally important monument. I heard on the radio the other day that the crossing has been moved and that the one there now is a few feet away from the one the Beatles walked across on the album cover. I checked and it hasn’t, it’s in exactly the same place as in the famous photo. It just goes to show, you can’t believe anything you hear on the radio.

Happy birthday to the Chinese President Hu Jintao. If you haven’t got him a present yet, get him something from the pound shop. Ok so your gift will be cheap and crappy but it’s a safe bet it will have come from his country.

Thanks to Vince, we’ve got a leaked cable that had nothing to do with Wikileaks. When he was talking to the undercover reporters, he said he wasn’t afraid to use the “nuclear option”, then Nick Clegg disarmed him. He’s lost a lot of his responsibilities. Luckily he’s kept the one about appearing on Strictly Come Dancing. They should have a show that only features politicians. They could call it “Strictly Come Dancing around the Questions”.

Kids in bobble hats look funny in this weather. The proportions are all wrong; the bobble is almost as big as their head. Kids often have a problem with proportion. It always makes me laugh when I see short fat kids wearing replica football kits. I hope they don’t wear them when they’re on holiday. People in other countries might think Swindon Town is an ice hockey team.

I’ve found a great place to park in a busy car park. I park in the “parent and child” space. It’s great because you don’t need a disabled sticker; you just have to look really down trodden. A bloke shouted at me the other day when he saw me getting in the car without a child. I stopped, looked around and shouted, “Oh my God, I’ve left the baby in Mothercare!” and drove off.

I just wish the Abbey Road crossing had been listed when the album came out in 1969, then they wouldn’t have been allowed to put the zigzags on it. Those zigzags ruin everyone’s pictures and if you own a white VW, you can’t legally park in exactly the right spot to make your picture totally accurate

Hope you’re having a Craicing Christmas!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-20T16:30:00.001Z

I met some more special people the other night. I went out with the Street Pastors. They’re a group of people who patrol the streets in the town centre and make sure everyone gets home safely.

Jo, Helen, Bob and Mark take their responsibilities very seriously. They’re linked via a two-way radio system to the Police, ambulance crews, door staff and CCTV operators. When I caught up with Chief Superintendent Paul Howlett, who was also on patrol that night, he told me that having the Street Pastors meant the Police could concentrate on more serious incidents.

The Street Pastors talk to the homeless and if necessary arrange for people to get a hot meal or spend the night in a shelter but most of the people they help are young and have just ended up having too much of a good time on a night out. They give out flip-flops to girls that can’t walk in high heels and call taxis for people who’ve lost their phone, their way or their friends. The night I decided to join them was one of the coldest nights of the year. I parked the car just before 1am and when I opened the door to get back in just after 4am, I noticed the snow that had fallen off my boots when I’d got in, was still there on the mat. The temperature was a major factor that night, blokes were waiting for taxis wearing T-shirts and girls were wearing impossibly short skirts and not much else. The Street Pastors gave out silver space blankets to help them keep warm. The whole scene was surreal; dazed shivering drunk people staggering around trying to get home wrapped in silver blankets. Thanks to the Street Pastors, they were shiny happy people.

We’ll never know for sure how many robberies, rapes and deaths they’ve prevented but we do know they’ll be there when they’re needed. The Street Pastors are part of a vast network of dedicated unsung heroes. These people deserve to be home with their families at this time of year but they make the sacrifice for us. To them and everyone else that’s on duty, paid or unpaid during the festive season I say thank you and Merry Christmas.

Another Christmas Craic in the ice soon..

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-16T15:28:00.002Z

Is it the cold weather that’s making it feel extra Christmasy right now? If you believe the forecasters, the temperature is set to go lower than the LibDems approval rating with students.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s not just a time when we sit round a dead tree and eat treats out of old socks. It’s a time when our economy gets a massive cash injection and business’s large and small take advantage of the commercial potential of this festival we call Christmas. I don’t understand people who don’t like Christmas being so commercial. No one is forced to go shopping and just because a company is making a lot of money at this time of year, doesn’t stop them from helping people or making a donation to their favorite charity, in fact it helps.

Some people talk of a “traditional Christmas”. How far back do you want to go? There was a festival called Saturnalia that was held between 17th and 24th December. It began in the days of the Roman Empire. This was a week of feasting, gift-giving and an excuse for an orgy during the winter solstice. The objective of the debauchery and dancing was to give the sun a nudge and send a message to Mother Earth to begin reproducing for the spring. Before the Romans, there were hundreds of different winter festivals with all kinds of traditions including sacrifice. The Christians eventually converted them all into Christmas. So what is “traditional”?

Our cats love this time of year, especially Memphis who is doing his best to wreck our tree. Cats are born criminals, while I was making a tuna sandwich today, Memphis jumped up on the kitchen bench and “asked” for some tuna. I gave in and put a bit in his bowl. When I got up I caught him licking my freshly buttered bread.

I don’t think a “traditional Christmas” is Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas”, it was written by Irving Berlin and he was Jewish.

Another Christmas Craicer soon..

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-13T16:59:00.002Z

I almost messed up the Carol Service at Salisbury Cathedral, more on that later. What a place it is though. As I sat there looking at the eight hundred year old architecture and marveling at the sheer majesty of the place, I couldn’t help but wonder how “I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside” would sound on the organ.

You’ll be glad to know that although my radio show is educational, there will be no increase in tuition fees. I want to make that clear so there’ll be no protests like the ones we’ve had in London. I interviewed Richard Dean on the show. He’s a student who’s organized protests against fees. I asked him if he was at the recent protests in London. He made my day when he said, “No, I promised my Mum I wouldn’t go”. If only there were more mums like Richard’s the world would be a less violent place. The Metropolitan police are reviewing the way they deal with large demonstrations, there’s even talk of water cannon. They’re wasting their time, all they need to do is invite all of the mums in and get them to ask their sons and daughters to promise not to go. It would be easy to convince the mums too, just invite them to Scotland Yard for a chat and a cup of tea. Now that would be effective kettling!

I’m not sure why having a live episode of Coronation Street was such a big deal. My show is live every morning. The acting’s better too, especially when I act as if I can’t hear my producer in my ear telling me to move on when I really start to get interested in what a guest is saying.

Supporters of Wikileaks want to hack into Amazon.com because Amazon has said they won’t have anything to do with Wikileaks. I agree with Jimmy Fallon, if they do hack in, I bet Amazon will suggest similar sites that they might also like to hack.

Meanwhile back at Salisbury Cathedral; it came to my bit. I stood at the lectern in front of a thousand people and in the presence of invited dignitaries, the head of BBC news and one of only four remaining copies of the Magna Carta, I read my bit from the Nativity. I started well, then got too comfortable, rushed the end and tripped up over a thou or a thee. Not to worry I thought, I’ll get it right next year. At the end of the service, the BBC producer who was supervising the recording of it we were making for broadcast came up to me and said, “You’d better go and do your bit again”. How embarrassing.

I’ll get Craicing again soon..

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-09T16:26:00.002Z

I’ve got to admit to being a bit nervous. I’ve been asked to give one of the readings at the Christmas Carol Concert at Salisbury Cathedral. I’m not very religious so to prepare I’ve been reading up a bit. We’ll be concentrating on the beginning of the story. I’ve read ahead though and it turns out he dies near the end but then there’s a hell of a twist. I don’t want to give too much away, just think “Bobby Ewing”.

Everything these days is about spin. I drove past a van and on the back I noticed the word, “Sport”. Is there really a sport that requires you to drive a van? You can have a sports CAR, a sports HALL, even a sports BRA but there’s no such thing as a sports VAN. It’s all just spin, spin, spin. Have you seen those buses that say “Executive Travel”? How many executives give up their jets to ride the bus? You’ve got to be impressed with how things are spun though. I love it when they describe a new thing as having a “soft launch”. “Soft” sounds so much better than half-arsed.

According to the latest from Wikileaks even David Cameron can’t believe Liz has gone from The Apprentice. Meanwhile the founder of Wikileaks has been arrested. So the world’s secrets are now safe, unless someone figures out how to use the internet.

Are you prepared for more bad weather? If you’re traveling, the government advice is to make sure you’ve got a shovel, blanket and a hot flask. That may be a good idea but I got some funny looks from the bloke who sat opposite me on the train.

It’s been non-stop lately. I get so many emails at work, it takes ages for me to go through and delete them all. I’d hate to think how much time I’d be wasting if I actually read them!

Good looking people are more likely to have girls according to a new survey. According to Jimmy Fallon, ugly people are more likely to have cats.

I’ve had a look at what I’m supposed to read out at Salisbury Cathedral. Do you think they’d mind if I re-wrote it? I mean it’s a good story about a carpenter and his pregnant girlfriend, but you won’t believe how they’ve spun it!

Back soon with another Craic’s Factor.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-12-03T18:21:00.001Z

Here we go with another Mack’s Craic, the antifreeze in your engine of life.

This morning it was colder than the looks David Cameron was giving Sepp Blatter in Zurich.

My favorite news story from the cold snap is from Salisbury. Their Gala at the Western Skating Rink was cancelled due to “Adverse Weather”. – That’s right, it was too cold for ICE SKATING!

The UK radio industry has an awards ceremony every year called the Sony Awards. I went to an event in London last week called “How to win a Sony”. The first thing they did was hand out free beer, is that a clue? The next thing they did was remind you that you can volunteer to be a judge, interesting. The tip I found most disturbing though was when they said you have to “seduce the judges”.

My weight has been going up and down lately. The first thing I do every morning is weigh myself, and then I post my weight on Twitter. I got a tweet the other day accusing me of being a yo-yo dieter. That’s not true. Sadly the Yo-yo was discontinued by United Biscuits in 2003, I haven’t eaten one since.

Wikileaks has been in the news again. They keep talking about “leaked cables”, CABLES? Shouldn’t that be email? Who sends cables any more? I sat in front of the TV wondering, is this the news or a Marx Brothers movie?

Starbucks are going to start selling beer and wine soon. I agree with Conan O’Brien on this one, they must be having trouble finding sober people who’ll pay a fiver for a cup of coffee!

By the time I write the next Craic I could be “The award winning Graham Mack”. All I’ve got to do is volunteer to be a Sony judge, vote for myself, get one of the other judges really drunk and… No, I don’t want to win a Sony.

Another Craic up soon.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-11-27T13:43:00.002Z

I am a fertility god! Since I started at the BBC, three of the women that work on the show are pregnant! I have this effect on women. When they work with me, they become super-fertile. The only two left now are Kate Mundy the producer and Bimel the cleaner. It’s only a matter time, The Graham Mack Breakfast Show, the Conception Connection on your Ovulation Station.

Sad news about the death of Bernard Matthews. As a tribute to his life long work, he should be stuffed.

The Royal wedding is going to be shown in 3D. I’m not looking forward to seeing Prince Charles’ ears.

North and South Korea are shooting at each other. If they start to focus on war instead of manufacturing, what are they going to sell at Poundland?

Maybe Bernard Matthews body will be frozen. And defrosted in time for Christmas.

The Ashes cricket continues, so I spoke to my old boss Dwayne Jefferies in Australia, on the show. A couple of days before, I sent him a text message which read, “I’d like you to give me the view from down under”. I’m glad he knew what I meant because he could have taken that text to mean something completely different!

I found myself watching “How to Look Good Naked” the other day. I thought to myself, this is no good, not that many people see me naked. A more useful show would be, “How to Look Good Knackered”!

Bernard Matthews’ funeral will be very moving. His body will be wrapped in tin foil, then he’ll be cremated on gas mark 6 for three hours.

Back with another Craic in the Ice soon.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-11-21T15:58:00.002Z

I got a tweet from Jason Manford asking me to send him a picture of me in a black lacy bra!

Do you listen to my show on an FM radio? You might have to change your ways. There’s a plan to turn off all FM radio transmissions in the UK in just over four years. The digital switchover will be like the one they did for TV. What I want to know is, if all FM radios will be obsolete soon, how come you can still buy a brand new FM radio? New cars are fitted with FM radios too. When they decided to ban leaded petrol, they stopped making cars that ran on the stuff a long time before the switch to unleaded.

I love kid’s jokes. I was in the car with my producer Richard Crowley and his eleven year old son Daniel the other day when Daniel said, “My underpants are having a fight, they’re a pair of boxers!”

Are you excited about the Royal Wedding? It must be difficult to say no to a marriage proposal that goes, “So how would you like to be the queen of England?” They’re very exited about it in the USA. As soon as the announcement was made I got a text from my friends in Dallas, Gene and Julie. They’re a married couple who present the Breakfast Show on 103.7 Lite Fm. I called them back and found myself on the air in Texas. I’ve never thought of myself as a royal correspondent before.

My favorite part of this year’s Children in Need was our quiz at the Sun Inn. Highlights included when the mayor Rex Barnet hadn’t heard of one of Swindon’s roundabouts and I asked him how long he’s lived in Swindon. He said, “seventy-two years”, when Dave King the editor of the Swindon Advertiser didn’t know the paper’s own fax number and when Miss Swindon was asked, “Who was the second man on the moon?” She said, “Buzz Lightyear”.

Is it true that Jason Manford had more viewers on Skype than Adrian Chiles is getting on Daybreak?

Back with another royal Mackriage soon.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .
Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-11-15T20:42:00.002Z

Who were you remembering on Remembrance Sunday? That was our theme this year on the BBC. As part of our Remembrance Day broadcast we each had to share on the radio a personal memory of someone we were thinking about. I narrowed it down to three.

There was my Grandad Mack. I was very young when he died but remember him as an old fashioned man who wore a waistcoat and would tell the time by producing a fob watch that seemed to be connected by a gold chain to his innards. He would give my sister and I a shilling each and in a thick old-fashioned Liverpudlian voice would say out of the corner of his mouth, “Here’s your wages”.

It’s hard to imagine him as a young man fighting in the trenches in the First World War. Not long before he died he confessed to my uncle Ronnie that when the Germans eventually came over the top, they had their arms in the air to surrender. The British officers knowing that they didn’t have enough food to feed prisoners, ordered them to open fire. He carried that shame for the rest of his life.

My Grandad Hughes fought in the Second World War and was part of the D-Day invasion. While he was on the beach at Normandy, my Nana Hughes gave birth to her seventh child, my uncle, Norman.

Then there was Nana. In between bringing up the six, going on seven children, she worked on the trams in Liverpool. That couldn’t have been easy in that hard sea port. It was an important job, Liverpool was the busiest port in Europe and with Cammell Laird shipyards across the Mersey, it was one of the Luftwaffe’s biggest targets. I can’t imagine how it must have been for a mum, working, bringing up children and dealing with air raids while their men were away fighting, not knowing if they’d ever see them again.

On the radio I decided to remember Nana just because she’s the grandparent I was closest to. Her sacrifices were tiny in comparison to what some families had to give up. What her story does is reminds us of the millions who did their bit and who are doing their bit every day, giving up the things we take for granted, so that we can take those things for granted, except for the second week in November every year when we remember.

Another Mack’s Factor next week.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-11-07T13:20:00.003Z

Let me give you the red pill that will bring you the truth and break you out of the matrix of life. Let’s talk about happiness, I’ve worked out the secret, it’s being grateful. Think about it, can you really be happy if you’re not grateful?

Hi if you’re one of the people I met at the “Tweetup” in Swindon. It was for people who are on Twitter to meet up for the first time in a hotel bar. Talk about uncomfortable; it was like a blind date with geeks! I’m not joking; no one brought a friend or a partner with them and there was only one girl.

The kitchen has been very cruel to Julie and me lately. Julie has started work in a café. She’s not exactly at home in that environment. We’ve been married for twenty-three years and she hasn’t really advanced beyond re-heating. Maybe it was her lack of culinary experience that led to an embarrassing incident in her new job when she tried to toast one of the plastic display bagels.

Meanwhile, because she’s at work when I get home I have to fend for myself. I got in the other day and tried to open a tin of tuna. We’ve got this fancy can opener called a “MagiCan”. It must have been invented by Doctor Rubik because I couldn’t work it out. I even searched for it on Youtube but the videos I watched of it effortlessly decapitating soup cans didn’t reveal the secret. I ended up making a cheese sandwich. Between the two of us, it’s a wonder we don’t starve.

I feel sorry for people who feel entitled. If you feel entitled to something and don’t get it you’re not happy. If you get it but think you were entitled to it, you won’t be grateful. Like I said at the beginning you can’t be happy unless you’re grateful. Feeling entitled means you’re hard wired for unhappiness. Take a minute, think about all of the things you’re grateful for, see how happy that makes you?

Another fire-craic-er next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-10-30T17:12:00.002+01:00

First of all thank you for listening to my show on BBC Wiltshire. The latest ratings have gone up again, I’m so glad you like what I have to say between 6:30 and 9 every morning on 103.6FM. Don’t forget you can hear weekly “Mack Nuggets” at http://www.mackmedia.co.uk/8th-mack-nuggets-audio-video .

I got freaked out the other day. We have a telly on in the newsroom at work with the sound turned down. I was sat at my desk and heard a helicopter outside. I looked up at the TV and they were showing a helicopter flying. I thought my life was being televised, you know like The Truman Show. If it is, it would explain why whenever I go to use a cash point machine suddenly at least three people appear from nowhere and get to it before me, why seconds before I drive up to an empty junction it’s full of traffic and when I’m out shopping, I’ll see a total stranger a second time, in a different shop.

Talking of TV, how much plastic surgery has Louis Walsh had? Or is he aging backwards? It’s like he loses ten years every week. Soon he’ll be young enough to be in his own boy band. The Curious Case of Benjamin Boyzone!

As well as listening to BBC Wiltshire, I’ve been listening to a bit of Radio 4. It’s strange, it makes me feel very intelligent and at the same time, very stupid.

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-10-22T20:25:00.003+01:00

Lots of cuts were announced this week. No actual job losses but a lot on paper. And isn’t it paper cuts that hurt the most?

What did we do after we heard half a million people would lose their jobs? We sat in front of the telly and watched a show that makes fun of people getting fired! Once again I made the mistake of watching The Apprentice in HD. Either Karen Brady’s legs had just got caught in a hailstorm or next weeks challenge should be for the candidates to come up with a cure for cellulite.

The strategic defence review has been announced. I don’t think David Cameron should upset the armed forces, they’ve got guns! Mind you he is gradually disarming them. Soon Britain will have one aircraft carrier without any jets and another one on EBay.

The navy’s had a terrible time, how’s that Submarine that ran aground? “I said dive damn it! Why aren’t we going down?” It was a training exercise. I hope we’ve got enough money for a bit more training.

The Home Secretary says our biggest threat is from cyber attacks. That’s not good; I’ve seen what an army of cyber men can do. But The Doctor always seems to be able to fight them off with only a sonic screwdriver, a young assistant and a 1950s police phone box. Maybe that’s what we should buy with what’s left of the defence budget.

I’ll catch you on BBC Wiltshire 103.6FM every week day morning, wide tailed and bushy eyed!

Another Craic will appear next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-10-14T16:12:00.002+01:00

I’m so glad the Apprentice is back on the telly. It’s the only reality TV I like. I can’t stand the ones where they have to sing, dance, skate, cook, build, bid, house hunt, or paint. I know they sometimes have to do a few of those things on The Apprentice but not every week. I am disappointed that Alan Sugar is now a lord. “Sir Alan” rolled off the tongue a lot better than “Lord Sugar”. “Lord Sugar” sounds like a porn star. That hasn’t stopped me enjoying watching the candidates get found out. We’ve all worked with, and for, delusional idiots like these and it’s so good to watch them squirm in the board room. I watched it in HD which I don’t recommend, Joanna’s moustache is very distracting. The girl’s team has called themselves Apollo, obviously after Apollo 13.

I’m still getting a lot of junk mail. I got one today addressed to, “dear valued customer”. Brilliant, I’m valued but not enough for them to know my name.

It’s great that all the Chilean miners are out. Imagine if you came out and realized you’d forgotten to clock on. The cheating miner, instead of his wife, asked for his mistress, the “miner bird”, to meet him at the surface. Probably because he was scared his wife would push him back down the hole!

British Waterways is being abolished. This would be big news if the year was 1803.

I feel sorry for the 19 year old miner. He didn’t realize he was being rescued. He thought he was being sent to the top to get some spirit level bubbles, a left handed screw driver and a bucket of steam.

I had a great time at the Swindon Half marathon. When the announcer introduced me, everybody clapped. Then I realized one of the runners was crossing the finish line.

Just a thought; when the team on The Apprentice sold their beach accessory would the money they made be the, “sum of a beach”?

Another Craic at it next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-10-06T15:23:00.001+01:00

I’ve been doing a lot of travelling lately. My favorite place to visit was Berlin. I did all of the touristy things, including the museums. Why is it that when you borrow an audio guide at a museum in Europe, they take your drivers license? The audio guide isn’t that difficult to drive!

Like all big cities the shopping centres have a sushi bar. I don’t get them, why the conveyor belt? Does food taste better if it’s treated like luggage at the airport? I’d be worried that my order might come out at another sushi bar in another part of the world.

I also went to Newcastle. They don’t eat much sushi up there but I wanted to sample the local seafood so I ordered fish and chips. Well, the biggest piece of battered fish I’ve ever seen in my life showed up. Maybe I should have ordered a little fishy on a little dishy.

Have you heard about this new book that says the Titanic hit the iceberg because it turned too far to the left? I hope the same thing doesn’t happen to the Labour Party.

ADHD has been in the news a lot. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I thought ADHD was a TV channel. Anyway, a new study says it isn’t caused by bad parenting, it’s genetic. You’ve got to feel sorry for the parents on that one. They’re not to blame but it’s still their fault!

If you use a European or American driver’s licence, does the museum give you an audio guide with the buttons on the other side?

More Craicsation next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-09-28T16:58:00.003+01:00

I hope you like the photo above. Just for fun, can you guess where it was taken? It’s a photo of unfinished building work, but is it:
a) London’s 2012 Olympic Stadium.
b) Facilities for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi.
c) Swindon town centre.

Politicians always confuse me. My favorite quote from Ed Miliband is, “"I'm for the centre ground of politics but it's about defining where the centre ground is". I’m still not sure what that means. It sounds like he stands for something that hasn’t been defined. I love talking to politicians on BBC Wiltshire because what they stand for seems to depend on what’s in THEIR best interest. I asked Mark Dempsey the Labour councilor for Parks in Swindon and the deputy leader of the Labour Party Harriet Harman if Ed was the right man for the job. They both said that he definitely is. But neither of them voted for him! Mark voted for David Miliband and Harriet NOMINATED Diane Abbott! Why can’t they just say Ed wasn’t their first choice but they’ll support him?

Mind you, British politics has got nothing on North Korea. Kim Jong-Il has made his son a military general. It’s being seen as the clearest sign yet that he will be announced as the next North Korean leader. You see over there they can’t have a general election until they’ve decided beforehand which general is going to be elected.

I’ve gone and done a really stupid thing. I put petrol in one of the BBC’s diesel cars. Thank you to everyone that followed my sad story on Twitter and sent encouraging tweets. I’m glad you liked the Twitpics, yes, “pics from a twit”!

I’m reading a great book called “Fast Food Nation”. It’s making me think about giving up eating meat. My problem is I don’t like vegetables so I can’t become a vegetarian. If I only eat fish, what would that make me, an aquarium?

Well done if you correctly identified;
c) Swindon Town Centre.

A new Craiced Generation next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-09-20T17:53:00.002+01:00

This week I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. It’s autumn, a difficult time if you like to complain a lot. It’s too late to whinge about how hot it is, too early to whine about how cold it is. Most of the time the weather is “just right”. You have to make do with arguing with your other half about whether we can put the heating on yet (until October you’ll be told to put a sweater on).

The bottom has fallen out of the Pope Benedict souvenir market. Some items are changing hands for less than half of what they cost this time last week. Experts don’t expect the market to recover until at least the next Papal visit. One insider said, “On the plus side, there’s never been a better time to buy a limited edition Skipping rope Pope, Pope Periscope, or “Pope-on-a-rope”!

Friday night we found ourselves stuck in traffic in Hampshire. I started to wonder if there’s a flower shop in the south west of the county called “The New Florist”!

The trapped miners in Chile are getting their strength back. Last night they were given a meal of rice and beans. Relatives have now lit candles around the entrance. Somehow I don’t think they’ve thought this through!

Saturday we went to IKEA. I noticed they have a café, it was very popular. Well I suppose if the rest of your day is going to be spent trying to assemble a wardrobe using instructions that are so vague you end up screwing one side on upside down, you don’t want to be swearing at yourself on an empty stomach!

The Press Complaints Commission has upheld a complaint by Clair Balding. The Sunday Times described her as a “Dyke on a Bike”. That’s not very nice but has given me an idea; maybe I should call myself a “Tyke on a Mike”!

My favorite story at the moment is from Armenia where the World’s Biggest Chocolate bar is being eaten. Next week another record will be broken for sales of zit cream!

Newspaper sub-editors all over the country are really disappointed the Pope has gone home. They were hoping a protester would throw an egg at him so they could go with that headline they’ve been sitting on “…Eggs Benedict!”

Another Craic’s Factor next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-09-13T16:44:00.003+01:00

Thank you to everyone who came out to help fix up the vandalized skate park at Walcot. I assembled a team which included the Mayor, local MP, Chief of Police and the editor of our local paper. We called ourselves “The Mack Pack”. The real stars on the day were the kids. We got everybody painting and by the time the job was done, one of the kids said, “Well that was better than computer games!”

I hope you like the way the show on BBC Wiltshire is sounding. It’s a lot leaner since it was fitted with a gastric band. Here’s how the show works; I talk to interesting people and you listen in. It’s like you’ve hacked my phone! Actually I wish this phone hacking story would go away. Whenever I hear the phrase “phone hacking” it reminds me of the time I was on the phone to someone with a really bad cough.

My favorite moment at work this week was when I asked our reporter Harry Kretchmer if he’d had a good birthday weekend. He replied, “I may have over done it a bit, I fell asleep in front of Last Night of The Proms”. With that, Kirsty our head of news shouted, “Oh to be young again!”

Our Quiz team came very close to a spectacular victory. We were invited to the Swindon Cares Quiz at the De Vere hotel. We were beaten by one point by a team of bald blokes. They don’t call them egg heads for nothing! The re-match will be held next year at “The Village” which is what the De Vere hotel is going to be renamed. The De Vere people were really nice to us and I bet they’ll be just as nice next year when they’re “The Village People”!

If you have a spot, put some cream on it and it goes away, are you guilty of spot fixing?

So “The Mack Pack” has fixed the skate park and we’re ready for our next challenge, any ideas?

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-09-06T17:31:00.003+01:00

This William Hague story won’t go away. The political technique of distraction has never been more important “Quickly David, grab that baby and go and stand outside number 10 for a bit!”

Talking of babies, pregnant Celion Dion has shown off her huge baby bump. I’ve seen the pictures, now her tummy matches her chin. When she lies down she looks like a ski resort!

The big pregnancy news at BBC Wiltshire is the two girls that work with me on the Breakfast Show, Kelly and Tory are now both pregnant! That must make me some kind of fertility God. If you don’t want to get pregnant, don’t sit too close to the radio when I’m on.

They want to put the price of alcohol up to reduce how much people drink. I don’t think that will work, if they put the price of food up, will that reduce obesity? Today is the first day of my cereal and soup diet. It’s not off to a good start. I just heard the ice-cream man and ran outside. I know I would still have been hypnotized by his chimes if an ice-cream was twice the price. What we all really need is more exercise. Maybe the ice-cream man shouldn’t stop. He should just slow down a bit so you have to jog along while he serves you. They should make that the law, then if you’re too fat to keep up, you can’t have any icecream!

Talking of fat people, did Wayne Rooney really think that a woman who sleeps with men for money wouldn’t sell her story to The News of The World for even more money?

Are you enjoying the James Bond films they’ve been showing in ITV? My favourite is the one where the evil genius tries to take over the world and James Bond stops him in the nick of time. Wait, that’s the plot to EVERY Bond film!

I’ve been watching a lot of telly lately. Did you see the Tony Blair interview? I watched it in bed and at one point I rolled over and said to William Hague…

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-08-30T15:54:00.006+01:00

Well it Looks like Nick Clegg will have to add "baby sitting" to his list of important responsibilities. David and Samantha Cameron gave their new baby girl a Cornish name, “Florence Rose Endellion”. I’m guessing the Cornish bit is “Endellion” which is a bit too close to “dandelion” for me. Still, it could have been worse, “Pasty”, “Bodmin” and “Lizard” are all Cornish but rubbish names for a girl. “Rose” is a nice name and like dandelion, another flower. I bet she’s called “Florence” after the ping pong ball headed character in The Magic Roundabout. So a Cornish connection AND a Swindon one.

If you’re car is playing up but you think you’ll make it home, DON’T! My sister’s car was making a funny noise, so as soon as she got home she called her breakdown service. They charged £90 for a “home visit”. If your car ever won’t start, push it as far away from your house as possible before you call for assistance. Obviously people who live at the bottom of hills are being discriminated against here but hey, I don’t make the rules!

Talking of family, that reminds me. It’s funny how changing one word in a book’s title can totally change what kind of book you think it is. I was talking to my mum on the phone the other day and she said she’d been given a book for her birthday called, “How to Kill a Mockingbird”. Yes, adding that word “how” to the title has changed it from a classic of modern American literature dealing with rape and racial inequality, into a DIY book on ornithological eradication. After she’s read it, she may well see Atticus Finch as an enduring image of racial heroism, but I bet she’s disappointed the book doesn’t reveal how not even one, never mind two mockingbirds can be killed with one stone.

I had pizza for lunch in a restaurant today. It wasn’t served on a plate; instead it was served on a chopping board. They must be behind on the washing up! Hey, we’ve all done it. I can’t be the only one that’s stirred a cup of tea with a bread knife.

Something spooky is going on. One of the pounds in my pocket is actually a 20 Euro cents coin. Last week I must have been to Europe. The weird thing is, I have no memory of ever being there! Could I have been abducted by aliens, taken somewhere in Europe, brought back and had my memory erased? Why did they only take me to Europe? Why not their home planet? The only logical explanation is that they weren’t space aliens, they were just illegal aliens!

Maybe the new Cameron baby should have been called "Austerity"!
Craic a jack!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-08-22T13:49:00.003+01:00

We finally got our car back! It’s been off the road for two weeks having a new engine fitted. The dealer said it should have cost £8000 but we didn't have to pay anything. Luckily it’s a four year old car with a 5 year warranty.

"Making Whoopee" is a strange euphemism. But accurate for when Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg did it! That reminds me, what do you think of the new hosts of the One Show? I can’t help thinking that if only I looked more like Christine Bleakley, I would have got that job. Then again, I haven't got the cleavage!

I feel like a real rebel, I’m drinking Pepsi out of the free glass I got with Coca-Cola!

Charles Kennedy has denied he’s moving from the Liberal Democrats to Labour. I have to admit to being a bit confused when I saw the headline, “Kennedy Planning to Defect”. My first thought was, “Why has this taken so long to come out? Maybe that’s why they shot him!” I was of course thinking about the bloke that was shot in Dallas years ago. I hope I haven’t confused you now and you think I’m talking about J.R..

I just went to get something out of the compartment in the boot of the car. The little plastic handle came off in my hand. Hope that’s covered by the warranty!

Craic to front!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-08-15T13:09:00.002+01:00

It’s over a week since we’ve seen our car. It broke down on the M6 last Saturday night. The dealer says he’s waiting for a part. That part is an ENGINE! They found oil in the coolant and when that happens, it’s all over.

Princess Anne has turned sixty. You’ve got to hand it to her for sticking with the same haircut. Styles came and went, the beehive, the bob, the pageboy, but she stood firm. She must have thought that eventually her style would be the next big thing, especially as celebrity styles like the Farrah, the Purdy and the Jennifer Aniston broke through. Sadly it seems that the world still isn’t ready for the Princess Anne “wall of hair”.

Since downloads became the most popular way to buy music, it’s getting harder to find CDs in shops. I couldn’t find Paul McCartney’s, “Wings at the Speed of Sound” anywhere, so weeks ago I ordered it online. I got an email this week saying my order has been canceled because it’s no longer available. Julie called everywhere to find a copy. Well it turned out, HMV right here in Swindon had one all along! Now I’ve got it, I only need one more CD and I’ll have everything Lennon and McCartney put out in the 70s. I just need Wings “London Town”, wish me luck.

I read that one of the actors who played the Doctor in Dr Who used to drink a lot. I can understand that, drinking is the perfect preparation for the part. When I used to drink, sometimes I become a Time Lord. I’d often stumble into a phone box and then wake up and find I’d been transported to the future!
I got a lovely surprise on the radio. I’d lost my favorite pen, a Fisher Space Pen. Well Ian Hooker from North Wiltshire Wood Turners presented me with a special hand made pen made from Purple Heart wood. It’s this week’s “Pen of the week” on BBC Wiltshire. I have to admit when I found out some local wood turners had made me a pen I thought it would look like a chair leg, but it doesn’t, it looks very classy!
Good news about the car. We won’t have to pay for it to be fixed because it’s still under warranty. One of the reasons we bought a Hyundai was because of the five year warranty. All the same, without it, we’re high-an-dry!

Worth a Craic!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic.

2010-08-08T20:51:00.001+01:00

The last time I saw my aunty Pat was twenty-eight years ago. I was seventeen, it was the early hours of the morning and she was sitting in her broken down car on the hard shoulder of the M62. When my dad and I arrived to rescue her, she said, “the oil light came on for a while, then the engine made a horrible noise and it stopped”. What she described was what happens when a car runs out of oil, keeps running and the engine seizes up. I learned a valuable lesson that night. When the oil light comes on, stop driving and get the car looked at. History has repeated itself with a slight twist and hopefully a happy ending. More on that later.

A car made me laugh out loud the other day. It was an Audi, a big one and I watched it coming up Victoria Road in Old Town Swindon. It caught my attention because of the noise it was making, a really grunty, high revving noise. I thought to myself, oh what a poser! Well the Audi went past but the noise kept getting louder. That’s when I realized the noise was coming from a Boy Racer’s Fiesta behind it, trying to get up the hill!

Talking of cars, have you heard about this new one that runs on human waste? When I first heard about it, I thought I wonder what it’s called. I came up with the “Mini Pooper” but it’s got an even better name than that. It’s a VW Beetle and it’s called the “Dung Beetle”! Isn’t that brilliant? From now on, family road trips will start with the phrase, “Make sure you DON’T go before you leave the house”!

The fire alarm went off at BBC Wiltshire the other day. As it was raining, the boss told us to all go and wait in the coffee shop over the road until the fire brigade had checked things out. It was standing room only in there. As we all arrived at once and nobody bought anything, the people who run the place must have thought they were being “flash mobbed”!

I’m still waiting for a CD I ordered online a month ago. The irony is it’s called “Wings at the Speed of Sound” and it’s traveling at the speed of a glacier!

And so to the lesson learned from history; On Saturday, Julie and I drove up to the Wirral to visit my parents. We got a nice surprise, Aunty Pat was there. We talked about the past and that night twenty-eight years earlier when she’d ignored the oil warning light. The engine was so badly damaged, the car was written off.

On our way back to Swindon, Julie was driving south on the M6 and she said to me, “The oil light’s just come on”. We pulled into the next services, Knutsford. The dipstick was almost clean when I checked it and by the time I’d been and bought four litres of oil, there was a pool of it under the car. After a recovery truck took it to a garage somewhere in Cheshire, we drove the remaining two hundred miles in a loan car.

So we had a rubbish Saturday night, our car is still somewhere close to Knutsford city limits and needs major repair work. But thanks to Aunty Pat’s misfortune and a coincidence twenty-eight years in the making, we knew what to do and won’t need a new engine.

Craic for good!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-08-01T17:30:00.002+01:00

I’ve been out a lot lately. Notice I didn’t say “out and about”? I wish I knew why radio people are always “out AND about” never just “out”. It must be for the same reason that they call awards “gongs”, songs “tracks” and headphones “cans”. That reminds me, I saw a bloke wearing full size headphones outside The County ground. He didn’t even take them off when he was ordering from the food wagon. There’s no need to wear full size studio headphones outside, that’s why they invented those little ear bud things. The irony was he’d plugged these massive headphones into an ipod shuffle!

I missed out on opening the fete at Swindon’s Saltway Center by about ten minutes. I got stuck in traffic so they started without me. I did get there in time to announce the winners of the fancy dress competition though. I’m not sure why but the blokes that run the sound systems at these events are all very similar. They hand me the mike then roll themselves a cigarette while mumbling about feedback, watts and some local DJ I’ve never heard of that they say they used to “do a lot of work with”.

I’ve lost my pen; it’s a Fisher Space Pen. It can write in a weightless environment. They’re used by astronauts. Next time I get a flash of inspiration in a car as it goes over a humped back bridge I’ll just have to hope I can remember it.

I know why they didn’t wait for me to open that fete. It was a fete accompli!

Fall into another Craic next week!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-07-25T13:10:00.002+01:00

I noticed a strange sign on the train to London. It said, “If the door is not properly closed and the train is still moving, do not attempt to close it – Use the emergency alarm in the saloon”. - Saloon? I didn’t know there was a SALOON on the train! Why did I get a stale sandwich and a cold cup of tea from the buffet when I could have been enjoying two fingers of “red eye”, a game of poker and dancing girls?

Have you ever had an important person get your name wrong? That happened to me on the air when my guest on the phone was Richard Noble, the land speed record breaker. He kept calling me “Mark”. I corrected him a couple of times but it didn’t work so I gave up. He turned out to be such an interesting guest that in the end I wished I really was called Mark.

How come Swindon has so many seagulls? Don’t they know how far it is to the sea from here? The Mackmobile has been hit several times by seagull poop. I took it to get washed and the very next day, it was hit again. This time it looked like a pterodactyl had swooped and pooped after eating too many prunes! Hey, if Swindon can be home to sea birds when we’re at least fifty miles from the sea, why not flying dinosaurs that have been extinct for sixty-five million years?

I was shocked when I heard the news that Alex “Hurricane” Higgins had died of throat cancer. Not because of his death, he’s been sick for a while but because none of the news reports I heard linked his death to smoking. Alex was a very cool guy and smoking was part of his coolness. Smoking helped make snooker “cool”. The “Embassy” World Snooker Championships were even sponsored by a cigarette company. In 1980 when the BBC cut away from Alex playing Cliff Thorburn in the Final to show the SAS storm the Iranian Embassy in London, the bad taste joke that went around was “Who smokes the most Embassies, Hurricane Higgins or the S.A.S.?” I wonder how many people started smoking because of cool people like Hurricane Higgins. I wonder how many would stop if news reports mentioned that smoking probably killed him.

So quite a week, the death of a superstar, a train with a secret and I’m on first name terms with a British speed legend, even if it isn’t MY first name!

Craic’s life!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic.

2010-07-18T12:33:00.002+01:00

Have you ever heard of anything as ridiculous as someone being paid to stand still? We had a day out in Bristol and as with most cities around the world there was a bloke who’d painted himself silver pretending to be a statue. People were giving him money! Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE buskers. It’s great hearing a bit of live music while you’re out. If they’re good, I always give them some money. Jugglers, unicyclists and fire eaters all do well out of me because they’re doing something I can’t do. But come on, standing still? It doesn’t exactly require any training does it? So I’m sorry silver boy, you’re never having any of my change!

The other thing that annoyed my in Bristol was when we went for lunch. Why is it that the smaller the table, the bigger the plates?

We did have a good day out though. We went on Brunel’s SS Great Britain. It’s an amazing thing to see and touch, even though you have to jostle with coach parties full of people who look old enough to have been the original passengers. A highlight was when Julie got stuck talking to “the nutter”. I spotted him early on by his tell-tale kagool and duffle bag. Years of riding busses as a kid has given me a sixth sense so I managed to avoid eye contact. Julie, having grown up in New Zealand where there’s less public transport, mistook him for just another tourist and politely smiled at him. That’s all he needed and started telling her about Brunel’s engineering in detail. When I say telling, I mean shouting and spitting. He finished off with all the things he’s going to do when he becomes Prime Minister. He didn’t get into his policies on the deficit, foreign affairs or immigration but concentrated more on his plans to return the railways to the way they were before1962.

Maybe the real reason I don’t like people painted silver standing still is because I used to work on an oil refinery construction site. I was a pipiefitter and I worked with a lot of blokes who were silver. They were the painters who sprayed the vessels and pipe work. They used to get the silver paint all over themselves and would be silver from their hard hat to their boots. Unlike the silver people in town centers though, if these blokes got caught standing still, that’s when they went OFF the payroll.

Look through the Craic next week!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-07-11T12:10:00.004+01:00

My favorite thing at the moment is the Headline Game on BBC Wiltshire. Every morning, Dave King from the Swindon Advertiser gives us a story and we have to come up with a headline better than the one in the paper. Points are awarded and totted up each week. So far The Advertiser hasn’t won a single week. I’m becoming obsessed with the game and find myself writing headlines for everything I see and do. Just now as I was wondering what to write in this week’s Craic, all I could think of was “Graham Mack Stuck on The Blog!”

I’ve been drinking way too much coffee lately. It’s because the coffee machine at BBC Wiltshire was stuck on “free vend” for three days. It was funny, everyone in the office must have known but no one said a word. - Headline; “Coffee Conspiracy at the BBC”.

I met a great bloke at Steam, the railway works museum in Swindon. His name is Peter Pragnall. He used to work there as a carpenter when they built trains and gave Julie and I a personal tour. The best bit was when he showed us one of the mannequins of a railway worker, it was modeled on him. He told us about the hours he’d spent with his face in a cast so they could replicate his features perfectly. I got him to stand next to it and it was amazing, it looked just like him! – Headline; “Pete Repeat!”

A kids skate park at Walcott got vandalized a couple of weeks ago and I’m recruiting a team of people to go down there and fix it up. So far in my “Mack Pack”, I’ve got Dave King from the Advertiser, the Mayor and Chief Superintendent Paul Howlett. Meanwhile the council has put up a £1000 reward for information that helps catch the vandals. So far, the police still haven’t got them – Headline “The Skate Escape!”

I had a great time hosting this year’s Swindon Cares Charity Concert at Christ Church in Old Town. It was the High Sheriff of Wiltshire’s Concert and raised money for LEAVES, who provide work for people recovering from mental illness and The Swindon Down’s Syndrome Group. It was supported by Arkell’s Brewery.

Headline; “The High Sheriff of Wiltshire, Downs Arkell’s and Leaves!”

Craiced it!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-07-04T13:51:00.002+01:00

I got more proof today that I still rank below the cats in our house. I’m starving and the only thing to eat is a can of tuna that Julie has bought for the cats. She’s made me a tuna melt which is really nice but that’s how desperate things are, I’m eating cat food!

If you’ve been following me on Twitter, you’ll know that I definitely have O.C.D, Obsessive, Compulsive, Disorder. In fact I have O.C.D. so bad that I prefer to call it C.D.O. just so the letters are in the right alphabetical order!

My C.D.O means I have to tweet my weight in kilograms every morning and mention how much I’m up or down on the previous week. It amazes me that in Britain, we were all taught the metric system at school but as far as weight goes, hardly anyone understands it. I get people sending me a tweet congratulating me when I say I’ve lost 100 grams. If they’d check, they’d find that 100 grams is three and a half ounces! One bloke who clearly doesn’t understand that I’m O.C.D. not F.A.T. tweeted me and asked what “my BMI” is. He stopped following me when I tweeted a reply that said, “It’s a budget airline”.

I had a lot of fun at the Wyvern Theater. This year’s Pantomime is Peter Pan and they were holding open auditions for parts as “The Lost Boys”. I met some great kids there including a lot of girls. Now, I’m no thespian but I would have thought to be a “Lost Boy” it would help if you were an actual boy. Not true, some of the girls got parts! Obviously the role doesn’t require anyone to spit, throw a ball or fart when someone pulls your finger.

This week, a milkman saved my life! I was driving to work through Old Town in Swindon on my way to BBC Wiltshire at quarter to five in the morning. He flagged me down and when I got up close to his milk float he said, “Watch it when you get onto Bath Road, there are some kids down there throwing oranges!” I drove on and saw the kids he was on about so put my foot down and sped past them. I was lucky; the Mackmobile accelerates a lot faster than a milkmobile. I managed to get away without being hit by a single orange. The poor milkman wasn’t so lucky and was obviously a victim of a drive-by fruiting!

Things are going really well at BBC Wiltshire. It’s funny, everything is relative. I’ve been told I sound northern on the air in Swindon. At the last radio station I was on in Teesside, they thought I sounded posh!

Cheese and tuna on an empty stomach washed down with a fizzy drink has meant only one thing, eggy farts. Luckily when Julie got a whiff just now, she said she thinks the cats litter tray needs changing. Sometimes being out-ranked by the cats has its advantages.

I’m Craicing up!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-06-27T16:10:00.000+01:00

Wow, what a time I had on Saturday. I was invited to spend the night with Swindon police by Chief Superintendent Paul Howlet.

The first surprise I got was that Paul actually goes out on patrol. I thought Chief Superintendents sat behind desks. Not this one, he was fully kitted out in uniform and stab vest. After an 8:00pm briefing, he got behind the wheel of a police car and we headed off into the night. Paul really does look the part. He’s a cross between Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, James Coburn… I’ll stop there before he becomes a one-man Magnificent Seven.

The Wild West comparison doesn’t stop with Paul. Saturday night in Swindon does have the feel of the Old West. You’ve got your saloons, your law men, the good, the bad and the ugly.

There was another briefing at 9:00pm. This time with the door staff from all of the pubs and clubs. I was shown the “Pub Watch” computer system. Most of the venues have access to it and it has photos and details of people who’ve caused trouble in the past and are banned. You get banned from one pub in Swindon and you’re banned from them all. It’s the hi-tech version of a “Wanted” poster.

We patrolled on foot in the centre of Swindon and Old Town during the night and to be fair the atmosphere on the whole was pretty good and only one arrest. In between, we raced to various incidents in the car. That was very exciting, sirens blaring and flashing blue lights reflecting back at us off sign posts and shop windows as we zipped passed, not knowing what we were going to find when we got there. There were some serious problems before I called it a night just after 4:00am. A neighborhood barbecue that had turned nasty, a suspected burglary and a combined attack with a baseball bat and hit and run. The police described it as a “quiet night”. You’ll hear the audio I got at these incidents during the week on my show on BBC Wiltshire.

I was amazing to see how well all of the different organizations work together. The venues and CCTV monitoring people are all connected by a radio system that the police monitor. The police have Special Constables on the beat and can call for extra support from dog units, traffic cops and even firearms units. I met a team of people called “Street Pastors”. These are people from local churches that patrol the streets making sure vulnerable people get home safely. They’re also connected via the radio system and free up the police to deal with more serious problems.

We all owe a debt of thanks to the people who are out there every day and every night making sure our town is safe. They’re the real Wild West heroes and they’re all magnificent.

Another Craic shot next week!

Graham
Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk

Mack's Craic.

2010-06-20T11:06:00.003+01:00

This week’s Craic is being written at Liddington Fete. I had the honor of opening the event earlier. I’m even in the program, in the mush sought after slot, just above the undertaker! It’s at All Saints Church and I’ve even been blessed by Madge, who’s a bishop.

I’m still enjoying life at the BBC and have learned a psychological trick in the car park. I used to park in the space head first and always got blocked in. Now I back into the space so the front of the car faces out. Since I’ve changed, I haven’t been blocked in once.

I’ve had some interesting guests on the show recently. I had experts on with tips on how to save water. None of them would admit to peeing in the shower even though it’s an excellent water saving tip. I also spoke to an audiologist who talked about the damage that vuvuzailas can do to your ears. Hey, never mind your ears, if a bloke starts blowing one near me next time I’m at the match it won’t be an audiologist he needs, it’ll be a proctologist!

As well as being on the air, I’m really enjoying being in the newsroom with the journalists. Ear wigging on their phone conversations is fascinating. Usually they’re tracking down news stories and sometimes they’re asking probing questions trying to find the truth at the root of the story. This week I heard a chap on the phone to one of his kids say, “So why did he squirt you with the hose?”

Our cats, Memphis and Toffee Pop have got used to my new working hours. They jump on the bed at 4:00am to make sure I get up. Unfortunately they do the same thing on Saturday and Sunday even though I don’t do the breakfast show on the weekend. That’s when I like to do some binge sleeping. Trust us to get two cats that can tell the time but don’t know what day it is!

The cats never get into trouble for waking us up at stupid o’clock. Not like me, I’ve only got to stick my cold wet nose in Julie's ear and all hell breaks loose. When the cats do that she thinks it's "cute"!

I’ve just found out something about Madge who told me she’s a bishop. Her name is Madge Bishop. She got me!

Listen in the morning, the Craic of dawn!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-06-12T12:28:00.005+01:00

Well I’ve done my first week on the Breakfast Show at BBC Wiltshire and things went OK I think, apart from another extremely embarrassing incident, more on that later.

Working for the BBC is quite a privilege and very different to what I’ve been used to in commercial radio. I’m really enjoying working in the newsroom and watching how broadcast journalists gather news as it breaks and then work out what treatment to give each story. I’ve also worked out that broadcast journalists are really just print journalists that don’t need to do a spell-check.

Getting back into the swing of Breakfast radio’s hours has been a challenge. I’m up at 4:00am, in work for 5:00am, start the show at 6:00am and off air at 9:00am. Around lunch time I go home, have a sleep and go back in again in the afternoon. I’ve found that because of sleep depravation, the Graham that comes off the air at 9:00 is “Negative Graham”. Everything is a problem that he doesn’t know how to fix. Luckily the Graham that goes back into work after an afternoon nap is “Positive Graham” and he’s really good at fixing the problems that “Negative Graham” whined about all morning.

Are you in the grip of World Cup Fever? So far the BBC’s coverage has been superb. I wish I could say the same thing about ITV but something has happened to Adrian Childs since he swapped sides, he’s half asleep. How can he look and sound so bored when he’s at something as exciting as the World Cup?

I have to admit I do like the adverts that have been on ITV during the World Cup. Have you seen the one with Eric Cantona advertising deodorant? Come on, he’s French, they don’t use deodorant!

Ok, my latest embarrassment; I’ve been driving around Swindon, grabbing people and asking them to tell me about where they live. I walked into a British Legion club this week, found some people enjoying a buffet and launched into my spiel, “Hi I’m Graham Mack; I’ve just started on the Breakfast Show at BBC Wiltshire. What three things can you tell me about this area?” I stuck the microphone under the nose of an elderly lady and she said, “Number one; Marge died this week. Number two; we went to the funeral. And number three; this is the wake”.

I’ll be Craic!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic

2010-06-04T20:28:00.001+01:00

This week’s Craic is being written before my first show on BBC Wiltshire. All last week I was doing practice shows to get used to everything. I wish I could tell you the dummy runs went well but the truth is I never managed to follow the running order properly, not even once. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but this is a very different kind of radio show to what I’ve been used to. Between 7:00am and 8:30, there’s no music and no commercials. When you loose your place in the running order, there’s no pushing a button, turning the mic off and giving yourself three and a half minutes to work out what’s happening and where you are. You’re on your own, live mic and a brain more focused on what’s gone wrong than what you can possibly say to cover it up. Add to that a producer talking in your ear while you’re simultaneously talking and trying to block out the sound of another voice, the one in your head that’s shouting at you for getting it all so wrong and you’ve got some idea about how this new gig is shaping up.

With the nice weather we’ve been having I’ve been really conscious about the dangers of being in the sun too long. I met a bloke yesterday whose nose had seen so much sun, it looked like a tomato. And he was only about my age. I’ve been walking to and from work lately and in the sunshine I’ve started putting my hand over my nose, just in case.

We’re well and truly in the grip of World Cup fever. What I want to know is; why the World Cup isn’t a cup? It's more of a ball on a stand, statue kind of thing. They could have saved themselves a lot of gold there if they'd made it a cup! I hope the captain of the winning team realizes you can’t drink out of it before he pours Champaign over it and knocks his front teeth out! Maybe it would be good if Greece won it. With the debts they’ve got, they could hollow out the top, sell the gold they’ve dug out, and we’d have a proper cup.

I keep seeing more and more England flags flying from cars. They make quite a noise flapping in the wind. That reminds me, I need to take my car to a garage. Every time I drive too fast I can hear a whining noise coming from the passenger seat!

Actually Julie’s really excited about this World Cup because New Zealand has qualified. I’ve been married to a Kiwi for long enough to realize that although she hasn’t lived there for over twenty years, she’s still very protective of the place. She may be Julie Mack from Swindon on the outside but she’ll always be Julie Halford from Tikipunga on the inside. She wanted to put a bet on them winning it but when I told her the odds were 2000 to one she said she’s not going to bother. Not because they’ve got no chance but because she said the bookmakers are just being “mean” to New Zealand and have made the odds that long to take the Mickey.

So I’m on a new radio station with a new show. I’ve worked out why the practice shows were called “dummy runs”, they made me feel like a dummy.

Craic’s you later!

Graham

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Mack's Craic.

2010-05-27T20:14:00.000+01:00

Just as I thought I was settling in to my new job, there’s been an “incident”. It’s up there with the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me at work. That’s right, even more embarrassing than when I had to go on the air on a radio station in the north of England and promote a feature called “The All Request Lunch” knowing full well that in the north they have breakfast, dinner and tea and never “lunch”. More on the incident later in the Craic.

Talking of work, when the weather gets warmer, some people try to blur the line between work and play, especially with footwear. This week, some people came to work in flip-flops. I’m sorry but you should only wear flip-flops at work, if you work at the beach or the pool. That’s not the only thing that winds me up when the weather gets warmer. Why can’t local TV news shows think of anything to put at the end of the program other than old people licking ice-cream? Another thing that winds me up is the people who have to ask, “Is it hot enough for you”? They stand there like they’ve just told the funniest joke in the world. And what is the correct answer to that? With the question phrased in that way, “Yes” or “No” look like your only two options. Maybe next time I’ll just say, “I don’t know but it’s hot enough for you to wear flip-flops at work!”

I’ve finally worked out why turkey sandwiches are so hard to find. The other day I went to some broadcasting lectures in Bristol. At lunch time (it was Bristol, so they have lunch there) they were selling turkey baguettes. Brilliant, my favorite sandwich and they were carving it for you. “No cranberry sauce for me, just plenty of turkey thanks”. Well in the lecture afterwards I had to work really hard to stay awake, it MUST have been the turkey! All this time I’ve never bought into the whole “turkey makes you sleepy” stuff, I always put the blame on the Queen’s speech!

A wave of patriotism is sweeping England in the run up to the World Cup. Every day I see more cars with flags on. And is there anything that says “I support England” better than a Chinese made Cross of St George flapping on a German made car? All I know is I’m looking forward to sitting on my Swedish furniture and watching it on my Japanese telly.

Ok, the “incident”, which may have changed everything at work, here’s what happened: In the build up to Swindon Town playing at Wembley, the Swindon Advertiser wanted to take a picture of a load of us from BBC Wiltshire all wearing red. I decided I’d wear my replica England 1966 shirt. An hour before the photo shoot I was due to have an important meeting with our new boss. I knew a replica football shirt was inappropriate attire for such a high-powered event so I wore a business shirt and decided I’d change straight after the meeting. Well the meeting overran and I was running late for the photo shoot. I ran into the Gents, stood in front of the wash basin and took off my shirt. Naked from the waist up and before I had chance to put on the football shirt, Tory, my new producer came out of one of the traps. I was really surprised and asked her what she was doing in the Gents. She asked me what I was doing…in the LADIES! The Gents and the Ladies are at the top of the stairs at BBC Wiltshire. The Ladies is on the middle floor, the gents are on the top floor. I was on the middle floor! So now, the person I have to work the closest with and get the most respect from is the person that caught me undressing in the Ladies toilet! The only thing that could have made it more embarrassing would have been if I was wearing flip-flops.

Craic on!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-05-19T21:10:00.001+01:00

Trains are a Victorian form of transport. But until they rip up the rails and build a high-speed car link (a toll road with a minimum speed limit), they are the fastest way to get from A to B in the UK if you want to avoid volcanic ash and industrial action. In case you haven’t already guessed, I’m writing this Craic on a train.

I heard from a long lost friend last week because of what I said about Blue Peter. In 1997 I worked with Dawn Langan at 2CRFM in Bournemouth. I haven’t seen or heard from her since and didn’t know she reads the Craic. It turns out she works for the BBC on Blue Peter now. She even said she’d show me around next time I’m at TV Center! Julie says I should ask her for a Blue Peter badge. One of the problems with being married to a New Zealander is Julie has no idea what an important part Blue Peter plays in the childhood of British kids. She thinks ANYONE can get a Blue Peter badge. I had to put her straight, you have to EARN a Blue Peter badge!

Note to self: Never take a full size suitcase on a train. The luggage area in my coach was already full when I got on. I had to drag the case to the one in the next coach and still had to re-arrange the luggage that was already in there to make it fit. Next time I’m going to leave my case on the platform. While I’m on the train, I’ll call the train operator and report it stolen. They’ll find it and put it on the next train.

I’ve found a seat in the “quiet” coach. The “quiet” coach is never quiet; it’s just a coach where people who want to sit in a quiet part of the train go to make themselves angry and unhappy. The quiet coach hasn’t let me down. The woman in front of me can’t even yawn quietly.

I don’t adapt well to change. My third week in my new job has been spent learning the broadcasting equipment that I’ll be using when I go on the air next month. I’m still struggling with the audio editing software. To be honest though, spending three hours editing a sixty second clip is no worse than any other form of torture.

Wait, there’s a glitch in the matrix, the quiet coach has gone quiet. Oh, I know why and it’s not pretty. The pensioners in the seats behind me are eating sandwiches. If everyone else hadn’t gone quiet, I wouldn’t be able to hear the old people breathing through their noses as they eat.

Ok, that’s it, the old bloke behind me just burped! Luckily it’s nearly time for me to get off. I’m going to leave the “quiet” coach, find my case and drag it out from under a pile of other people’s luggage, “Baggage Jenga”.

I can’t wait to get off this train but I can’t open the door yet because of a sign that reads “Before alighting ensure this door is alongside the platform”. Alighting? When was the last time anyone used that word in normal conversation? More proof that trains are a relic of the Victorian era!

This brain is now standing at Craic form one!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-05-13T09:17:00.004+01:00

I hope you’re having as much fun as I am. It’s my second week in my new job and I’m in London. I’ve been working at White City and Television Center. I feel like a tourist on a behind the scenes tour. TV Center looks so familiar because I’ve seen it so many times on my favorite telly shows over the years. For some reason it reminds me most of Blue Peter.

It’s very exciting; I’m hoping to bump into someone famous in the canteen. A Dr Who villain would be good, I wonder what it would be like to have lunch with a Cyber Man? So far the closest I’ve got is a bloke that used to be in charge of the show “Watchdog” which has got to be the cruelest name for a show ever. Why can’t they just call it, “Watch Anne Robinson”?

I’m surprised that the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats have managed to work out a deal. I couldn’t see any common ground and didn’t think David Cameron and Nick Clegg had anything in common, except of course that David Cameron is an ex-Eton schoolboy and Nick Clegg went to a posh school as well. Maybe that’s it; the new Prime Minister wants Nick Clegg as his deputy because he gets to have something he misses from Eton. Nick Clegg is David Cameron’s fag!

The election seems like it was such a long time ago now. I went to one of the counts with our news team. Staying up all night really took it out of me and although I tried to fight it, the next day I slept for about twelve hours. I was “out for the count” (I’m sorry)!

The day after the election I made a great discovery. I’ve often gone on about how hard it is to find a turkey sandwich unless it’s around Christmas time. Well I’ve found a shop down the road that sells turkey baguettes and they’re so good I might just get hooked. When you think about it they’d be hard to give up. If you just stopped eating them and someone said to you, “So you quit, ’cold turkey’”, hearing the words, “cold turkey” would make you really fancy one!

Ok, I’d better get back to work. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not in the most exciting theme park in the world and have got to keep pretending to be taking it all in my stride and act cool. I stopped short of taking photos of the guys from Radio 5 Live while they’re on the air this morning. I think I can keep my cool as long as I don’t take a wrong turn and find myself in the Blue Peter Garden!

Craic’s on, Craic’s off!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-05-05T21:08:00.000+01:00

This week’s Craic is being written in the waiting room at the dentist. I know I’ve got plenty of time because my appointment is for 12:30 and right now its 12:29. I know that sounds like I’ve only got one minute but it’s12:30 DT (dentist time) which is actually 1:15pm.

I always wonder what doctors must think of dentists. Doctors have to know how to fix the whole body but dentists just fix teeth. Is it like what a motor mechanic would think of a bloke who just fixes punctures? Don’t get me wrong, fixing a puncture is quite tricky and a skill you can be proud of if you’re good at it. Julie asked me to fix one on her bike and I must admit to being a little bit nervous when she handed me the puncture repair kit she got from Halfords. The last time I used one was to fix one of the many punctures on my bike in the 70s. I was disappointed that they don’t still come in an oval tin, its plastic now. And I was also worried that because I’m out of practice, I could lose my one hundred percent no leak record.

I’ve never been to this dentist before, this is my first check-up since we moved house. I hope he’s a good one; I earn my living with this mouth. I’m the only one in this waiting room, that’s not a good sign.

We witnessed a medieval ceremony this week. For reasons that are too complicated to go into now, we found ourselves in rural Wiltshire on May Day. Late in the afternoon we were at the stone circle at Avebury while a pagan ritual was taking place. I always find it interesting when the old world and the modern world collide. That happened just after the ceremony. As we were driving home we watched the bloke who’d been at the center of the ancient ritual take off his stag’s head and put it in the back of his Nissan Micra.

That’s not right; there aren’t any twenty-year old Readers Digests in this waiting room, what kind of a dentist is this?

The ice age and the modern age haven’t exactly collided but they do have something in common. Experts have discovered that the wooly mammoth had a type of anti-freeze in its blood that helped it deal with sub-zero temperatures. I couldn’t help thinking about the young women who stagger between pubs and clubs on winter nights in the North East. They don’t seem to feel the cold even though they’re only wearing flimsy tops and short skirts. Anti-freeze is 80 percent alcohol and by that time of night, so are those girls.

If this dentist was any good, he’d have a fish tank. I’m feeling so alone here. Wait, a woman has just walked in and sat opposite me. What’s the bet she gets called before I do?

The biggest event for me this week was my first day in my new job. It went really well, everyone was really nice, no one stole my lunch and I didn’t get a wedgie.

Yep, “Mrs Hawkins” has just been called, I’m all alone again.

To celebrate my new job we went out to Pizza Express. It was nice but spoiled by a couple of things. First of all, we ended up surrounded by families with young kids who screamed their head off. Hey if you want to carry on like that, you’re supposed to go to Pizza Hut! The other thing that annoyed me was I ordered off the healthy menu and when the pizza arrived there was a big pile of what looked like lawn clippings and doc leaves in the middle. If they’re going to dump that on your pizza, they should set the table; knife, fork and leaf blower. No one would have noticed if I had used a leaf blower in there. You wouldn’t have heard it over the noise of the screaming kids!

My name has been called! Right on time too (its 1:15pm)! Wish me luck, I’m going in. I’ve just got time to tell you that my 100 percent puncture repair record is still unbroken. My puncture repairing skills all came back to me when I needed them most. It was just like riding a Raleigh Chopper!

Craic’s the way, ah ha, ah ha; I like it, ah ha, ah ha!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-04-28T16:52:00.001+01:00

We’re back in the new house after nearly a week on the road. Talking of roads, I want to live in a world where a chicken can cross one without anyone questioning its motives.

Sorry about that, I got distracted. We’ve just had our tea and Julie hasn’t bought any goodies. I really fancy something and it’s making it difficult to concentrate.

It was quite the road trip; we drove up to Rothesay on the Isle of Bute. We listened to Paul McCartney CDs most of the way which was appropriate as he spent so much time at the Mull of Kintyre and his daughter Stella got married on Bute. My uncle Brian who’s lived on the island for most of his life made Stella McCartney’s wedding cake. We were invited to Brian’s daughter’s wedding, my cousin Brenda Teresa. She was getting married to a top bloke called Lorne. Naturally my Uncle Brian made the cake which turned out to be fantastic and not quite as ostentatious as the four tier job he made for Stella.

Wait, I think I just heard the familiar chimes of Mr Whippy!

As with all weddings it was a huge family reunion. Julie got to meet uncles, aunties and cousins for the first time and I saw people I hadn’t seen for ages. I hadn’t seen my uncle Brian for over thirty-five years. One of the locals asked if I was his brother. As he’s nearly 70 I’m not sure if that means he looks young or I look old! When we’re all together like that, I always think of my Nana Hughes. She’s not with us any more and I know she would have loved to have been there.

Yes, that’s definitely Mr. Whippy!

Julie noticed something strange on the island, a second hand clothes shop. I didn’t think much of it until she pointed out that with only a small population, surely everyone will know the people who used to own the clothes!

Whippy Watch: I just looked outside the front door. No sign of him but another bloke is standing outside his front door so I’m not the only one that heard him.

I felt like a giant on the Isle of Bute because there aren’t any tall people. Are all of the people who live on Scottish islands short? I suppose that would explain Shetland ponies.

Whippy Watch: I definitely heard him this time, he’s very close.

The wedding was a proper Scottish affair. Lots of kilts, Scottish dancing and bagpipes. It was quite moving hearing the piper play “Flower of Scotland” as the bride walked down the aisle and seeing Lorne and the best man in their kilts.

Whippy Watch: Mr. Whippy has stopped right outside our front door.

There was a big drama on the first night in Scotland. My Dad had a mild stroke called a TIA. The ambulance was called, they checked him out and by the next day he was back to normal. I still can’t believe how quickly he recovered, it was all very scary.

Whippy Watch: Feast for me, White Magnum for Julie. How’s that, the ice-cream man stops right outside the new house, LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

Something I noticed about my uncle Brian, he has my Nana’s eyes. Talking to him at the wedding I could see her looking back at me. Maybe she was there after all.

Craic to you later!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

2010-04-28T16:51:00.000+01:00

My Uncle Brian & me....or could he be my brother?

Mack's Craic

2010-04-20T16:10:00.001+01:00

Ever wonder why skeletons are always smiling? The answer later in this week’s Craic.

A film of volcanic ash has appeared on our car. At first I thought it was cigarette ash because of all the fag ends we find at the end of our driveway (I suspect the boy racer from next door). Then I realized it must be fallout from the volcanic ash cloud. (“Volcanic Ash Cloud”, great name for prog rock band). I’m no volcanologist but I got to talk about it on 103.7 Lite FM in Dallas Texas this week when my friends Gene and Julie called and asked me go on their Breakfast Show. I’m hoping it doesn’t take another act of God to get me back on the air.

I have to be honest, it took me a couple of goes to spell ‘volcanologist’. I’ve always thought I may be dyslexic. I was never tested for it when I was a kid. I’m too scared to go and get tested now in case it turns out I’m not. Suspecting I’m dyslexic has given me a great excuse for being such a bad speller, I’m not sure I’m ready to let that go.

The problems we’ve had since moving into the new house continue. After we finally got the phone on they said we’d get the broadband twenty-one days later. Twenty-one days came and went so I called them on their “Customer Service” line. Every time I call there’s a problem at their end and I have to call them back. Sometimes there’s a high pitched tone, twice I’ve had my own voice echoing back and this time it was my favorite, they can’t hear me at their end, “Hello, customer service?” “Yes, I’ve still got no broadband”, “Hello? Anybody there?”, “I said a communications company that can’t even get their own phone working must be run by a bunch of chimps!”, “Hello, are you there?”(click). When I finally got to talk to a human being, “Mark” told be that my broadband would be connected on May 12th. That’s forty two days after the phone, exactly twice as long as they said in all of their paperwork. I pointed out that anyone can SAY it’ll be on in twenty-one days; even I can do that, that’s the easy bit. The hard part is actually getting it done, that’s the bit they need to work on. When we moved I ditched our previous internet provider because this lot is supposed to be cheaper. Well when I cancelled the other lot, they didn’t tell me I was in some sort of contract (which I never signed) and they charged me ninety-one quid to leave. Meanwhile we’re paying fifteen pounds a week for a pretty flakey wifi hotspot connection which is twice as much as I’m supposed to be paying the chimps per month. It’s costing me more for broadband than ever and to think, all I was trying to do was SAVE money!

I witnessed some odd behavior when I made a solo late night trip to the supermarket. It was an emergency; I really fancied some ice-cream. I got to the tills with my one carton of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough hoping I wouldn’t get stuck behind someone doing their weekly shop. I was in luck, there was a bloke on his own and all he was getting was a frozen pizza. I was amazed when after he put the pizza down; he picked up the divider thing and placed it on the conveyor. I still had the ice-cream in my hand, did he think I was going to mistake his pizza for part of my order, take it and ruin his plans for the evening? Or did he only have enough money to buy the pizza and thought the check-out chick might get confused and charge him for both? Either way, if he was THAT desperate, maybe I should have just paid for the ice-cream and given it to him. At least he would have had something for dessert.

Talking of food, we keep getting flyers though the door at the new house for take-away places. How do they know that Julie can’t cook? She’s had a stressful week too. She almost choked when some blackcurrant juice went down the wrong way, she nearly drowned. Next time she drinks Ribena, I’ll have a lifeguard standing by!

So it’s been a week of problems and dramas but hey, that’s life. There is a place where no one has any problems or dramas, it’s the cemetery. That’s why skeletons are smiling all of the time; they’ve got nothing to worry about. Do you really want nothing to worry about?

Craic’s your lot for this week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-04-13T20:47:00.001+01:00

Nothing goes to plan when I use public transport. I’m writing this week’s Craic from a train. It doesn’t leave for another five minutes and I’ve already had to change seats twice. After I sat down, the guard came along and put one of those little “reserved” tickets in the top of my seat. I moved and on his way back through the train he put another one in my new seat. How long will I be sitting in this one?

I’m not a fan of these fortnightly rubbish collections. I should find out how to get a second wheelie bin so I don’t have to go to the tip myself every other week. Last time I was there I had to wait in a queue of cars for nearly an hour. I know it’s supposed to encourage us to re-cycle but it’s clearly not working. The sign at the tip says, “Re-cycle, the possibilities are endless”. Yes and so is the queue of cars waiting to get into the tip! I wonder how much fossil fuel is wasted by people taking their own rubbish to the tip every other week?

The latest from the train: I’m in the quiet coach and as usual it’s not quiet. Last week I discovered that it’s impossible for two women who know each other to sit together in silence. Now I realize it doesn’t matter if they know each other or not. Two women who’ve just met are having a chat across the aisle. There’s nothing wrong with that but if you know you can’t be quiet on the train, why did you walk the length of the platform to the very last coach and sit in the “quiet” one?

I’m having a bit of a run-in with my mobile phone provider. It’s a long story and added to that I can’t get a decent signal at the new house. I’d change but I’m stuck in a contract with them for another eight months. I called them on my landline and they were no help at all. They texted me this week and asked, “On a scale of one to ten, how friendly was our advisor?” My problem is I think they’re dishonest. I’ve never met their advisor, she’s not my friend. If I gave them top marks for friendliness, that would make them even more dishonest! I ended up not texting them back because I was at home and couldn’t get a signal.

Update from the train: The woman in front is making her fifth phone call and the train still hasn’t set off. What’s the point of having a quiet coach if there’s no penalty for making a noise? When we had “No smoking” coaches there was £50 fine.

A bloke knocked on our door this week trying to sell us something. Insurance, double glazing or Jesus I expect. I was home alone and never found out exactly what he was selling because I didn’t go to the door. I just kept an eye on him through the Venetian blinds. He was very persistent; I had to ignore him four times before he eventually went away. That reminds me, I’m not a fan of Venetian blinds and neither are Venetians. I’ve been to Venice, I never saw ANY there. I bet they got fed up with them years ago. The Italians aren’t exactly known for their patience. Julie likes to hitch the blinds up so the cats can walk on the windowsill. I’ll wake up in the morning half asleep and barely dressed, walk into a room and end up having to fight with the two strings to make them come down straight. I must be confusing the neighbors, “That bloke over the road is at it again, he’s stood in his underpants doing tai chi. No wait, he’s conducting an orchestra. Hang on, no he’s pretending to fly a stunt kite!”

Meanwhile back on the train: I’ve just looked around and the woman who’s on the phone is actually talking to her friend on the platform. They only saw each other five minutes ago!

Julie brought something interesting home from the supermarket, “Pizza Express” salad dressing. That proves salad tastes rubbish. There’s no such thing as “pizza dressing”!

Train report: Oh great, we’re being told that this train has broken down (before it even got started). We have to get off and get on another train.

As I don’t start my new job for a few weeks yet, I’ve been watching a lot of daytime telly. I’ve worked out that the ultimate daytime format would be a show featuring five women cooking and talking about property and antiques in front of a studio audience of people in dysfunctional relationships.

Meanwhile back at the station: Now I’m in a different quiet coach, on a different train. This one is actually starting to move. I don’t have to tell you, it’s not quiet. The woman opposite is reading a story book OUT LOUD to her children. No wait, she’s stopped reading. I know she hasn’t got to the end because the caterpillar is still hungry. Oh, she’s looking up at the sign on the window that says “quiet coach”. Great, now I might get some peace. No, she’s getting the kids to spell out the letters and read the sign OUT LOUD! If they can read, why doesn’t she get them to read the book themselves? Quietly!

Another snap Craic’ll pop next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-04-05T12:36:00.002+01:00

We’re a lot less Amish at the new house now. We’ve finally got the phone on, we’re on the internet via a wifi hotspot and we’ve had a TV aerial fitted.

A neighborhood feud could be brewing though. The day after bin day, I went to put a bag of rubbish in our wheelie bin and noticed a bag already in there. I wonder which one of my neighbours put their rubbish in our bin.

I haven’t been sleeping as well in the new house. Both of our cats have decided to sleep on my side of the bed instead of Julie’s. It’s nice being their new favorite but now I have to lie on my side and curl up a bit to make room for them. When I get up, my back hurts and I shuffle to the bathroom stooped over like E.T.

You probably know I’m not a fan of public transport but this week I had to go on a train. I always sit in the “quiet coach” and surf the internet on my phone. As usual the quiet coach wasn’t quiet. I wonder if women in pairs should be banned from that part of the train. I was checking my Twitter account so I tweeted the question “Is it possible for two women who know each other to sit together in silence?” I got a great response back from Lin McDonald at Bizlinxuk. She said two women who know each other CAN sit next to each other in silence, a wife and a mother in law. I laughed out loud and got a nasty look from the bloke sat opposite me.

I’m really looking forward to getting back on the air. I went and met everyone at the radio station I’ll be working at soon. The boss gave me a big book to read called “Essential Law for Journalists”. It’s very heavy going and while I’m reading it my mind keeps wandering. There’s a bit in there about the difference between solicitors and barristers. I can’t help but think that the word “barrister” sounds a lot like “barista” and how different those two jobs are. I suppose a barrister could work out how to make a decent cup of coffee but would a barista be any good at defending someone in the high court? A barista could probably fake being a high court judge though, especially if they had to bang a gavel. Most of a barista’s job seems to be banging the coffee out of that handle thing. Anyhow according to this book, although it’s unlikely for someone to be a barrister and barista, it is possible for someone to be a barrister and solicitor. Don’t confuse that with a barista who solicits, unless of course you’re looking for a prostitute who can make a Decaffe Caramel Machiatto!

I keep seeing adverts on the telly for “ancestry.com”. I suppose the great thing about tracing your family history is if you think you’ve done nothing with your life, there’s a good chance if you go far enough back you’ll find someone you can be proud of.

Julie’s just been talking to the bloke next door. He says we shouldn’t have had the TV aerial fitted, they’re forbidden here. Well, so is putting rubbish in other people’s bins, is he the bin bandit?

I’ll put my Craic into it again next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Mack's Craic

2010-03-29T15:28:00.001+01:00

Imagine a world with no TV, no internet and no phone. That’s how it’s been since we moved house. They turned off analogue TV in this area the day we moved in and without an outside aerial or a Sky dish, we can’t get digital. The landline phone doesn’t get connected till next week, our mobile signal is hopeless and the broadband won’t be on for three weeks. We’re almost Amish!

Moving in day was quite eventful. The living room is on the first floor and our three-seat sofa wouldn’t fit up the stairs. I noticed that there is a large window in the living room, if only we had some kind of crane. Just then I noticed on the building site at the end of the street they were using a digger with forks where the bucket should be to lift pallets of bricks. I wandered over and talked to the driver. A few minutes later, the sofa was on the forks and flying through the air towards the window. It only just fit but it’s in now and looks great. The only unhappy person is my new next door neighbour who has an identical house. He said, “I wish I’d thought of that when I moved in, we had to buy a new sofa!”

It’s a really nice house with some strange quirks. All of the kitchen cupboards open the opposite way to the way they naturally feel like they should, it’s a left-handed kitchen. Meanwhile, the central heating is kak handed. The thermostat on the wall doesn’t do anything and if the controller is set to “off”, when you turn on the shower, all of the radiators heat up. I’m not sure how you turn them off, maybe you have to flush the toilet.

I checked the lease to the new house and all of the rubbish that was left behind in the garage is itemized. There are even PHOTOS of each item including an old chair, a broken mirror and bag of sand. I can’t throw any of it out because if they’re on the lease they’re part of the property. That means some of the rent I pay each month is paying for the rental of rubbish that neither me nor the landlord wants!

Moving house always means a trip to B&Q. Next time though I need to take my glasses. I was just about to ask for assistance from a member of staff when I suddenly realized he was a cardboard cut-out of Alan Titchmash! Outside B&Q there’s a fast food wagon called “Starvin’ Marvin’. I was temped to have a look at what Marvin had to offer but decided instead to head for Mr. Cod in the town. I ordered “Masala fish ‘n’ chips”. It was great to see Salim again, he’s the main man at Mr. Cod, (maybe he’s the Cod father). I met him when I came for the interview for my new job; I was early and had a cup of tea in there to kill some time. I told him I was going for a job at the radio station and straight away he said I’d get the gig. He must have mystical powers because he can predict the future. He said I’d like the masala fish and he was spot on again. Maybe I should ask him why Marvin is still starvin’ even though he’s surrounded by food.

The clocks have gone forward which has messed me up. The other night at about six o’clock my radio was showing 2010. I thought it was ten past eight. Then I worked out that during my attempt to change it to British Summer Time, I’d set the display to show the year.

I was going to talk to the landlord about the rubbish I’m renting in the garage but I’ve just found out from the estate agent that he’s a Gurkha (I’m not joking he really is in the Royal Gurkha Rifles). Their motto is “Better to die than to be a coward”. I don’t have a motto but I know, given the choice, I’d take cowardice over death. So in any kind of conflict he’d have the upper hand. If he mentions the stuff in the garage I’ll just compliment him on how photogenic it is.

Craic next week!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Macks Craic

2010-03-22T10:02:00.000Z

Moving house is never easy, I’ll be glad when we’re all settled into the new place and Julie isn’t telling me off for not doing my share of the packing. Mind you, I think she peaked too early. The other night I just fancied some crackers and cheese. Unfortunately, she’d packed the crackers.

We lived on Teesside for four years and made some great friends, especially our neighbours. I had some great times at TFM Radio, shook hands with nearly 50,000 people, presented the breakfast show when we were the most listened to commercial station in the area, got to go to the Sony Awards when we were nominated, got international recognition when the show was one of the five finalists at the New York Radio Awards and I had my very own, very expensive TV commercial on ITV.

A rumour started on the internet that we’re moving back to New Zealand to work on the radio there. That’s not true; in fact I’ve never actually worked on the air in NZ. My band ‘The Misfits’ appeared on TV but I never had a radio show. I did a lot of work on the air on commercial radio stations in Australia though. Talking of Oz, when you want a normal white cup of coffee there, you order a “flat white”. Costa Coffee in the UK has just started selling a “flat white” so I ordered one the other day. When it came it was frothy, more like a cappuccino. Maybe they don’t know that to be a “FLAT” white, it’s supposed to be FLAT not frothy, there’s a clue in the name!

That same day I had another bad shopping experience. I walked into a big electrical store and noticed a really bad B.O. smell coming from one of the staff. Five minutes later an alarm at the front door went off. It was obviously a smoke alarm set off by Stinky McSalesman.

I’m going to be doing something a bit different on my new breakfast show. I’m hoping it will be a breath of fresh air. Should I call it “Graham Mack’s Morning Breath” ?

Moving gives you a chance to do an audit of the junk you’ve collected over the years. It’s amazing how many things I’ve accumulated that I just don’t use any more: DAT machine, minidisc recorders, CD burner, the phrase “Today’s favorite music”…

Time for me to get Craic to it!

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Macks Craic

2010-03-15T13:29:00.001Z

The top ‘E’ string snapped on my acoustic guitar while I was playing the Beatles song “In My Life”. I couldn’t help think how that’s how life goes sometimes. There you are happily strumming away concentrating on getting all the chords right and singing away at the top of your voice then something unexpected happens and everything stops. It’s right then that you have to make a brave decision. Do you put down the guitar and forget about it or take the time to put a new string on, re-tune and carry on. We don’t have any control over when one of life’s strings breaks but we can control how we deal with it and that’s the important bit. I decided to change the string and carry on but I don’t have any replacement acoustic guitar strings, only electric, will they work? Once again, just like life, do you wait till you’ve got just the right string and then put everything back the way it was? Or do you use it as an opportunity to try something a bit different, re-string it with a set of completely different strings and see how that works out?

I haven’t left the house for two weeks because of chickenpox. I’m on the mend now, shaving again and ready to go back out into the world. The worst part was the two days I spent on my own. Julie was out house-hunting and I had to fend for myself. Shuffling around the house, talking to the cats I felt like an old age pensioner.

Good news though, Julie’s found a great new house for us to move into. We move next week. It’s a bit weird; I haven’t seen the new house yet! The moving news gave her plenty to talk about in her weekly phone call to her parents in New Zealand. It’s always funny listening to just her side of the conversation. She spends at least half of the call saying goodbye and then starting a new conversation, “I’ll let you go… Oh he’s fine…”, “Talk to you next week… Did they?...”, “Ok then… Yes we did…”

Talking of phones, here’s something I don’t understand. Why do people set their mobile to vibrate and then leave the phone in their bag instead of their pocket? And how come I hear it vibrating ages before they do?

The real excitement this week was when I rescued our cat Memphis who'd cornered a wasp in the bathroom. Why don't cats know wasps sting? Anyway, I swatted it with an England v Greece program that surfaced while we were packing.

I decided to re-string the guitar with the electric guitar strings and it sounds great, a different tone but I like it better than before and because they’re a lighter gauge, it’s even easier to play “In My Life”.

Craic’ll do nicely.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Macks Craic

2010-03-08T20:40:00.001Z

I thought I was immune to chickenpox. When I was a kid my sister had it, my cousin Adrian had it and Diane Coveney, the DJ who handed over to me at 2PK Parkes Australia had it and I didn’t get it. Well at the age of 45, I’ve finally got it and it’s horrible. The doctor has given me some tablets to take, huge rugby ball shaped things. I hope they’re not suppositories! This thing has kept me off the radio; maybe I should do a “poxcast”. I could call it “Top of The Pox”, “Pox Factor” or “Juke Pox Jury” and could play some “Shingles” by “Poxy Music”, “Matchpox 20” or “Ultrapox”!

I thought my run of bad luck had ended when I made a mistake at the vending machine at TFM. I pushed the price instead of the corresponding number. It gave me a can of Sprite instead of a bag of crisps. Good job I didn’t make that mistake in the vending machine in the motel I stayed in last week. I could have ended up with toothpaste, condoms or a sewing kit!

How did it get a name like “chickenpox”? Do chickens get “humanpox”? “Pox” is such a snappy word but has such a horrible meaning. It would be better if “pox” meant a delicious seasoning, then Chickenpox would be one of the specials on the menu at KFC! Talking of fast food, have you noticed how so many fish ‘n’ chip shops call themselves “fisheries”? It’s as if they’re trying to make you think they had something to do with actually catching the fish! I know working with hot fat has its risks but it’s not the same as standing on a pitching deck in a force ten gale in the North Sea is it? Think about it, has a single episode of “Deadliest Catch” been filmed in Sedgefied Fisheries? Mind you, last time I was in there I did see some tattooed customers who were missing a couple of teeth and fingers, that could have been mistaken for trawler men. And some of the men in there were a bit scary too! Maybe THAT’S why it’s called “Fisheries”!

WH Smith, TJ Hughes, TK Max, why so many initials? The high street looks like a half finished game of “Wheel of Fortune”! What happened to A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I and J “Mart”? Were they prequels?

To everyone who has tweeted saying chickenpox is ten times worse when you’re an adult, YOU’RE NOT HELPING! And those tablets from the doctor, for all the good they’re doing I might as well have shoved them up my bum!

I’ll take another craic at it next week.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Macks Craic

2010-03-01T11:53:00.002Z

I’m just back from another road trip. If you’re planning one, when you buy a drink from a service station, don’t get Oasis. The opening is too big; it’s difficult enough to swig from a plastic bottle while you’re driving anyway. And what about when you’re driving in the dark, go for a swig and find out you’ve left the lid on? Mind you that’s nothing compared to the mess you make when you’re having a drink as you go over a traffic calming device. How can something so violent be called traffic calming?

Have you seen Alice in Wonderland yet? She called up the show once. No wait, that was Alice in Sunderland.

What’s happened to service? People behind counters don’t serve you any more. I queued up at a McDonalds and when I got to the counter, they gave me an empty cup and pointed to a machine that dispenses coffee. I stood in that queue for ten minutes and ended up getting the coffee myself! The opposite of no service is too much service. You know, when they try to make small talk with you. I had breakfast in a hotel the other morning and the waiter said, “Have you had a busy day?” Busy day? Give me a chance, it’s not even nine in the morning yet! I’m guessing he usually works the late shift.

Did you get caught by the phishing scam on Twitter? I was lucky, I actually got one of the dodgy tweets but had been tipped off by a tweet from “Mashable”, so I deleted it. If you’re not following Mashable, check it out. It’s a great way to keep up to speed with what’s happening in tech and on the web. Talking of tech problems, Julie got a blank email from her parents. It turns out her Dad used a white font!

Julie called me retro because I used the phrase “Who cut the cheese?” She said no one says that anymore and it went out with CB radios. I wonder what other expressions have been retired. I’ve seen some toy trucks for sale with the slogan “Keep on truckin’”, what about “Cheers big ears” or “Whoever smelt it, dealt it”? “That reminds me, Sarah Jessica Parker has released a fragrance in a New York restaurant. At first I thought it must have been the sprouts but it’s not like that. She’s released a Sex and the City perfume. I just hope it doesn’t smell like SEX and the CITY!

Hi to Ian Lee who posed a good Twitter question. He tweeted, “5 million Americans believe they have been… What?” My answer was, “counted”.

There’s a lot going on in the music biz. Coldplay have promised a new album before Christmas. Never mind a new album, when’s Chris Martin going to get a new jacket? The Sugarbabes have postponed the release of their new album till March 15th. Hey, they could have another couple of line-up changes by then! Are there any original Sugarbabes? If not then the three girls that go on tour singing Sugarbabes songs are just a tribute act. They should be called the “Bootleg Babes”! Meanwhile Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Cole is back in the UK. The papers said she’d come home to face the music. I hope she didn’t mime to it. I bet she’s pretty angry about what happened. I only hope she doesn’t take it out on another toilet attendant.

I’ve just had a thought about the size of the opening of an Oasis bottle. I suppose in an emergency, you could use it as a toilet.

Another craic stack next week.

Check out the February Mack Nuggets just added at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham

Macks Craic

2010-02-22T12:35:00.001Z

Once again I’m writing this week’s Craic in Newcastle Airport. The threat of global terrorism hasn’t gone away. You only have to go through security here to work that out. What a nuisance it is to have your liquids in a plastic bag, take your laptop out, empty your pockets and take your belt off. It’s so hard to think of a deterrent that will stop suicide bombers. You can’t threaten them with the death penalty, they WANT to die! Maybe we should threaten to make them spend the rest of their lives going through airport security. Talking of global terror, what about those people who had their identity stolen by assassins? One of them said he took comfort in the fact that the photo in the fake passport looked nothing like him. Hey, whose passport photo looks anything like them? Good news though, those British plane spotters arrested in India have been released without charge. And without girlfriends!

Have you given anything up for lent? It all started on Ash Wednesday which should really be called “Arse” Wednesday because the idea of Lent is you give something the arse until Easter. I can’t think of anything I want to give up so I’m not going to bother. Does that mean I’ve given up Lent for Lent?

I had dinner with an old estranged radio side-kick of mine called Richie this week. Inside his cheap exterior, there’s an even cheaper man trying to get out. When the bill came I actually saw him open his wallet. Then I met Elvis, saw the Loch Ness monster and was abducted by aliens.

Coventry City Council has announced they’re going to put dimmer switches on all of the city’s street lights. That must be for people who want to get intimate outdoors but need to set just the right mood first.

It’s great having something a bit different to look forward to. My cousin Brenda Teresa is getting married. She’s from a Scottish Island so Julie and I are traveling up there at the end of April. I’m not really sure what to expect, I haven’t seen Brenda Teresa for over thirty years and the invitation came out of the blue. I hope we don’t get over there and find they’ve built a huge wicker man. My sister keeps calling Brenda Teresa “BT”. I’m sorry but that’s not allowed, BT stands for British Telecom. Abbreviations are like domain names, once someone has claimed it, that’s it it’s theirs. I can’t use GM because that’s General Motors, Gordon Brown can’t be GB because that’s Great Britain and Val Doonican… Well, I don’t think he’d want to but you get the idea.

I rented a car this week and I’m embarrassed to admit I couldn’t work the radio. Even when I found the station I wanted, it re-tuned to other stations on it’s own for travel reports. It’s called RDS which I think stands for Radio Disruption System.

Readers Digest has filed to go into administration. I should have sent their junk mail back when I had the chance, now I’ll never know if I’d won in one of their draws. I put their last letter in the bin even though it said I may already be a winner. I’ve still got the plastic key though.

Well done to Amy Williams who won gold in the Winter Olympics. Am I the only one who thinks “Skeleton Bob” sounds like a character from The Simpsons?

Airport security has just asked a woman to take off her shoes. As if any woman is going to blow up her shoes!

Another sack of craic next week.

Check out the Mack Nuggets at www.mackmedia.co.uk .

Graham